The Marauders: Year Seven Part One

Worthless

Peter started rewinding the gauze. He walked over and used his wand to clear up the mess and tucked the pieces back into the box before sitting down on the second chair beside Remus. "What's the matter, Moony?" he asked gently, concern in his eyes as he looked up at his mate.

Remus pursed his lips, trying to consider how to word the frustration he felt in a way that would make sense. "I don't know Wormy," he said, shaking his head. Suddenly the weight of everything seemed to sink into Remus's countenance. He covered his face and leaned forward, his throat tight with emotion. The smell of the salve and the feeling of burning, aching muscles was as heavy as the knowledge that no matter what happened, he, Remus, would never be a regular teenage boy - or a regular man for that matter. He would always be a werewolf, forever, and it would effect everything that he did for all his life - his day to day life, from the relationship that he and Sirius would have and the family that he could build to the sort of jobs he could take and the opportunities he could ever have. It was a stroke of pure luck that he was even at Hogwarts - only because of the mercy of Dumbledore, really. Remus could very well have gone on the rest of his life locked away in the shelter behind the Lupin house. His eyes traced over the salve and gauze wrapped about his arms and legs. "I just —" Remus drew a deep, shaking breath. "Do you ever feel... worthless? As though no matter what you do, you'll always be... just... just you?"

Peter couldn't help himself. He laughed.

Remus looked bewildered, "It isn't funny," he said defensively.

Peter shook his head, trying to sober up, and finally did, saying, "Oh I know it isn't funny, rather its ironic. You're asking me - Peter Pettigrew - if I've ever felt worthless?" Peter's eyes gleamed with sad frustration. "You've just described my entire bloody life!"

A splash of guilt rushed through Remus as he stared at Peter's round face. It was true, of all the words in the world that he could've used to gain the sympathy and understanding of Peter Pettigrew, Remus realized, he'd probably struck the best one. Not because he believed Peter to be worthless, he thought in a quickly self-defensive reaction to the look on the other boy's face, but because the others often made Peter out to be worthless. Peter had worth, Remus thought, stubbornly continuing on with the defense. Of course he had! Everybody did, by default of being alive, of course. 

Peter stared at Remus, waiting for him to speak.

Remus's throat was quite restricted, however, and he coughed and looked back down at the bandages because, Remus realized, it was easier to look at those than it was to look Peter Pettigrew in the eyes.

"It's alright," Peter said after the pause had drawn on too long. "I'm very much aware that you all think it. Even you. I don't mind... I - we're still mates. I still care about you. And... and even if I'm worthless, you still care about me, too, don't you?"

Remus looked up. "Of course I care about you, Peter." And, finally, though it sounded lame and too late now, he added, "And I don't think you're worthless, Pete. I really don't. You've got loads of talent. It's just in stuff that's different than the rest of us, and... and maybe we don't always understand it and we sort of overlook it because of that." This was true enough, Remus thought of Peter with his Divination skills and how Sirius often jabbed at the talent, though it really was a rather amazing talent, and Peter was easily the top of the class in Divination. Remus continued, "It isn't right of us - any of us - to make you feel worthless, ever."

Peter shrugged, then, kindly, "I hate that you feel that you're worthless, Moony." His eyes were watery and sad, "You're so good at everything, and you're so very important to Sirius and James and I. You're like the glue that holds the rest of us together." He smiled, "We wouldn't be Marauders without you." Then his smile deepened, "For Merlin's sake, I doubt whether Sirius would even know what the word means."