Bungou Stray Dog's One Shots - or whateva-

Dazai | Failed Attempts

Why?

I sometimes believed my curse was my inability to kill myself. It was the worlds revenge on me. My price to pay for all the wrong I've done in the world.

For once, I truly felt alone and empty. It was completely unbearable and no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, tonight had finally convinced me that I would never be able to escape this pain. It would only cause me more pain if I kept running from it.

I wasn't sure what to do with myself.

My mind was detached from my body. Everything seemingly became out of my control. All I did was watch as life went by, sinking in with all the pain I could possibly endure.

What was my purpose?

What was her purpose?

I felt like I truly had no reason to be alive. And it didn't matter if there was one or not, because I was never really looking for one. But clearly there was one. I just didn't know what it was.

It seemed like she was here for me.

No matter what I did, she somehow managed to continuously capture my thoughts. Hers were unique, her ideas coming from far beyond my imagination. She never questioned my frantic suicidal tendencies but rather, immerse herself in them.

"There's meaning to life, but there's more meaning to death."

Her thinking was twisted of course. Her big eyes always had a twinkle of some sort in them, countless hours of constant thesis. There was a reason for my every failed attempt to reach death.

She always asked for details, from the color of the sky to the temperature of the ground. From what my heart rate was to the amount of constellations in the sky, that is, if it was during the night.

It was all just a delusion, a beautiful one indeed.

She was here to distract me from my curse, only to then remind me when I felt relief.

It felt as if I was God's personal toy. Giving me an angel, only to skin and burn it in front of me once I valued it deeply. To build me up and tear me apart- that was his amusement.

Why was it me?

Why did I stay alive, after I convinced her that we'd both die?

But the question that is most important here is this.

Am I suffering because of my loss of love?

Or because my delusional reason as to why I have survived, has left me?

Moments before, as I took in her beauty for the last time, she looked at me with sad eyes. But me being I, the only thing noted from this was a twisted truth to fit my corrupted mind.

'I love you [y/n], and the one thing you've managed to instill in me until I cease to exist, is pure regret. In which I believed that with you, I could finally reach death after years of miserable failed attempts.'

-
yeet¡

this lovely chapter was requested by @KenKanedgy993