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Chapter 37: What could've been

"Stop, I just took a shower-"

"I don't mind washing you again baby" he interrupts me still engulfing my neck causing me to roll my eyes back. I can't let him do this but I want to let him do this I want him inside of me so bad. He slowly moves his kisses down going lower and lower and

"DAD CAN WE ORDER PIZZA?!" I hear Junae shout from downstairs causing me jump back and almost bang my head on my shelf. I glare at Jungkook shocked that he actually thought he could do the dirty with me whilst my kids are downstairs.

"YEAH HONEY LET LUCAS DO IT" he shouts back still looking back at me with a guilty look in his eyes. Yeah he better feel guilty because what he just did was a dick move.

"OKIE DOKIE" she responds.

"You were gonna fuck me with the kids downstairs?!" I glare at him with my hands firmly on my waist burning holes into him with my eyes. He doesn't look back up at me meaning he feels ashamed and he damn right should be. What if one of the kids walked in? I'm pretty sure Lucas knows how babies are made I mean that kid knows everything.

"I wasn't planning on fucking you I just wanted to talk" he finally speaks up giving me his lame excuse making me scoff in disbelief at him.  "This is your fault, you're the one who's naked" he switches the blame up to me causing me to roll my eyes at him before grabbing my robe off the floor and putting it on making him sulk. He's an actual joke.

"You pulled me outta the shower!" I shout at him with my hands balled in a tight fist. He cannot try and blame me for this, I already have enough shit in my plate and now he wants to stress me out more.

"I know I'm sorry I'm sorry" he apologises as he moves closer to me and grabs my hands before beginning to rub my hands with his thumbs making me sigh. I can't easily forgive him like this. "So, will you marry me?" He asks the question again ruining the moment. I step back away from him and sigh making him stare at me with a confused look on his face.

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop asking me that question it's driving me crazy" I exclaim as I through my arms up in the air due to the frustration. That question is eating me up, it's keeping me up at night. He stares at me surprised, I'm guessing he thought it was going to be easy.

"Give me an answer then" he states in a low voice probably scared that I might lash out again.

"I can't." I answer after a long pause trying my best to keep the tears in my eyes. I watch as his face drop and his eyes begin to water, this is what I was trying to avoid. "As much as I would love to I just can't do that to myself again, I can't be vulnerable just because it's you. There are rules Jungkook, people don't just get married out of the blue the build a foundation so that their marriage won't crumble. We have a dark past and if we just get married then that darkness will just eat us up and we'll fail I don't want that." I try to explain myself before he starts to think that I don't love him when I do but I can't risk my life just because I want to be with him. We just aren't ready for marriage.

"You're right and I hate that you're right, I just want to be with you" he sighs then pulls me into a hug making me feel better. At least we both are on the same page, it's been a while since we've come to an actual understanding.

"If the circumstances were different-"

"The circumstances are never different Jae, there is always something or someone in the way of our happiness" he states in a low voice before sighing as he embraces me in his arms. I feel a sharp tinge in my heart knowing that what he said is true.

"Baby steps Jungkook, baby steps"

Jungkook POV:

I hate the fact that Jae is right, she's matured and I low-key hate that. I know that we are adults now, that we have responsibilities and we have to look out for our kids as much as we look out for ourselves but I miss my selfishness. I miss not giving two fucks about anybody who wasn't Jae don't get me wrong I would do the same for Junae and Lucas because that's how I was brought up, to be selfish, to not care about anyone else's feelings because that's what pussies do. I don't want to be selfish I want to show Jae that I can be an adult too, I can think about our future, I can be mature.

Why is adulthood so complicated?

I left Jae to allow her to get changed which is a big step for me because old Jungkook would've grabbed her by the neck and bent her over before fucking the life out of her whilst she has a sock in her mouth because you know we don't want the kids to hear. Anyways I get downstairs and Junae is dancing in front of the Tv to some show that she loves to watch and Lucas is sitting on the dining table, new headphones on bopping his head to the music. I love how different they are.

"Pizza ordered?" I ask Lucas who looks up at me with his big eyes before removing his headphones and pausing his music.

"Yep, it'll be here in 10 minutes" he tells me before putting his headphones back on and playing his music making me pull in into me and mess up with his hair before leaving him to talk to my baby girl.

"Where's mummy? We heard her screaming is everything ok?" Junae asks me as soon as she sees me approaching her. I stop in my tracks before placing my hands firmly on my waist trying to think about how to answer this. I look at Lucas and he now has his headphones off looking at me for an answer.

"Yeah, me and your mum were just having adult time" I answer with an awkward smile on my face. Junae just shrugs it off and goes back to dancing whilst Lucas begins to shake his head.

"I should've kept my headphones on" Lucas sighs before turning away from us again. Jae walks down the stairs in grey joggers and a hoodie completely ignoring my presence making me sigh. She starts to put glasses on the table and I just watch her in awe, the way she sets up without distracting Lucas, the way she cleans the table. She's more of a mum now then she was before.

"Pizza's here!" Junae shouts as she rushes towards the door forcing me to chase after her. I grab the boxes before giving the guy my card and thanking him. I bring the boxes onto the table and the kids begin to jump.

"So how was school today?" Jae asks the kids with a smile on her face but they don't pay much notice to her, not when pizza is around.

"Boring as usual" Junae chimes as she removes the peppers off her pizza before placing them on top of Lucas' pizza and he just shrugs his shoulders before biting into it.

"That teacher still bothering you Lukie?" Jae casually asks him as she begins to pour the drink into all our cups. I look at Lucas' face and he has a sour look making me laugh to myself.

"Yeah it's annoying the man won't leave me alone" he answers as he rolls his eyes.

"I told you Lukie you can be homeschooled or even move school-"

"Yeah but that's suspicious" he cuts Jae off making her look at me with defeat in her eyes. It's going to be difficult to keep Lucas away from that man because Lucas asks too many questions.

"How else are we going to stay away from that man?" I ask him with a look of concern in my eyes making him sigh. I can tell that he too wants to get rid of him by the look of annoyance on his face.

"I mean we could move to Germany where daddy used to be" Junae suggests as she shrugs her shoulders. I look at Jae and she looks at me but I can't seem to read her eyes. One second they're glowing and the other second they're diming. What is she thinking?

"That's not a bad idea, I mean I have the company there too, I still have a house and Germany is absolutely beautiful" I describe Germany to the best of my abilities thinking about how beautiful the flowers are in the summer and how cool the breeze is in the winter. The kids will love it there I just know it.

"Can we move mummy can we please?" Junae begs Jae as she hugs onto her arm making Lucas roll his eyes at how extra she is. Jae looks down at her with a faint smile on her face.

"I don't know honey" she answers her as she strokes her hair trying to calm her down.

"It's just an option" I tell her seeing how excited she is not wanting her to get her hopes up just for us to tell her that we aren't actually going to go. I don't want to break her, not again.

"Might be the only option" Jae sighs as she flips her hair back with a look of concern on her face. I don't want her to be stressing about this on her own, she doesn't deserve this.

"Not really" Lucas speaks up biting into his pizza.

"What do you mean?" I ask him curious to what plan he has under his sleeves.

"We could just kill him"