I am not a Cinderella

Part 9 - Beam's Thoughts ( Heart)

So what makes me and Forth different?. Seriously... what makes us different.

They all praise him when he falls in love. All said they glad for him for falling in love with a mysterious girl. Unfortunately, that was me. When they know he stopped, people said it is alright. When they know he was heartbroken. People still praise him for being right. For making the right decisions. They said he should move on. And he did say the same thing.

Aren't we playing the same game?. He flirting...he hunting them all and slept with them as much as me. Worst he playing both sides. They said he stopped being a player and he got all squads supported him...and he said he will start again. And People don't like him changed. People don't like him being a player. Girls want him for real. Girls want him to fall in love with them. Girls or woman want him as their lover and maybe a husband. Mothers don't need to hide their daughter because it is him. And that was too much for my liking too, for him being as a player, again. I --- I don't want him back on the game. I want to distract him. If I could. If only I could.

But sad to know, people don't think the same about me. They said I being just fine with my crown. They said I should just live my titles. No love attached to my name. They like me like that. Fuck it is all fake. I just nobody without my last name. That so hard to be the truth.

All were started with the wrong attention. I should not be a girl that night. I should not wear that wig, that dress, that shoes made from glasses. I should not pretend to be a Cinderella or whatever name they have called me. Because that fake me got a tone of love and praise. The true me got all fake admiring, only using me like I am using them. Back to back. I am sick of it.
Again I was right. All of them was right. Love just not for me.

But. I don't know anymore. I don't know how it feels to fall in love. But I know I kind of liking him.

But you know... he like the other version of me that was hit me hard.

I questioning this again and again... I blame myself to wear a mask that night. I should not use it so he can recognize me, soon. That dance that night was wrong. Because he thought he is dancing with a girl. That peck on my lip was so wrong. Because he thinks of me as a girl.

I was never wrong when I said that Cinderella is gone. Because I want him to find the real me.

But real me is an asshole. A jerk. A moron. A Casanova. And I said... I am also a coward.

How it is hard to not know what is love?.
I don't like the idea that I was like this because of him. I feel weak. I feel naked.

I hate me for thinking so much about his feeling when I said that painful word. I hate me for not liking him to be a hunter again. I hate to think that he was no longer care. I want him to care all the way. I feel pathetic. I just want to close my eyes and forgot all of this but some part of me still hoping for miracles. Yeah...an asshole like me wanted to fly high. An asshole like me dares to daydream. An asshole like me wanted to feel love and be loved. Like a love that between lover have. I am so done envy my own best friend they got the love and their lover loving them back.

What more I can give him, what more I can offer to him?. I am not that smart ass and handsome like Pha. I am not cute like Nong Wayo. Which is his type? I don't have a charm like Kit, like Nong Ming. I have nothing. I have never once liked a man, to think I can turn this way. But lately, it hit me badly. The thoughts of me liking him more than just friends, more than drinking buddy. That night when I wanted to tease him... I never thought it could be turned like this. I can't undo it.

I have always know what I want. But this time I think a lot, about every possibility. Did I want to be in miserable to latter drawn myself with love ?. Did I already was?. Allowing myself to join this love cult. To be hurt. To be broken. To suffer. And that scared me.