I'll fly to the moon again

21st January 2019

My body feels like it's dead. Even lifting my arms hurts. My straitjacket is open, they don't need to have me in chains. I am too weak to do anything. And even if I were strong enough, what would be the point?

I like sitting in a corner with my legs crossed, back to the wall. I rest my head against the cold white wall and I listen to the beautiful silence as thoughts about my guilt float in my mind.

I haven't properly slept for such a long time. Maybe I've finally fell asleep and this is just one big nightmare. Wrong. Rushed footsteps and quick opening the door proved me that I am not dreaming at all. I saw a strange person in black clothes throwing something at me before he left. I couldn't see his eyes, but I can imagine just how cold they were.

I don't move as a tiny object rolls my way but I trace it with my own eyes. My guts turned over all of a sudden as I realized what the object is. I can feel tears forming in my eyes, but they are not tears of sadness as usual. I can't even describe it. I am definitely not happy, but my stomach feels funny, like I've finally found butteflies again.

I grab my new little friend instantly. Black marker. Maybe it's "just" a black marker, but at this very moment I need it. I hate those white walls. I have to ruin them. I have to make them better, make them beautiful, make them art...

My drawing skills are not really good. Shit, Emerson used to do this crap and he was such a talented precious human being. I miss him. I miss both of them. 'How can you miss them?' they always ask me. It's easy, I simply know they are real. They are not fake, they exist! They've just slipped into The Void. It's my fault...

Tears of pain are rushing from my eyes as my hands are moving with the marker along the boring disgusting walls. I don't even know what those words I write mean anymore. And I don't care. I just need to see something else than white walls. I am exhausted and every muscle in my body scream for rest. It must have been a few hours now, but I don't want to stop. I must keep going till I fill every spare place and every spot.

My eyes burn and I bet my dark circles are deeper than ever, but I am finally done. I turn my head and a little smile creeps it's way on my lips. My whole body is shaking, I barely can feel my hands. I must look insane but it reminds me of them and that makes me kinda happy again.

Memories, how much I love you. I keep watching my work, I can't stop, I still don't have enough. It's the only thing I feel at least a little bit better about. Untill I see one line that makes me cry again. Even harder. I fall and my body is trembling. I am trying to scream in agony, but no sound can be hear. One line. One fucking line. 'Love The Void 747'