Choosing God

Failure

Everyday it seems to be a dead end. So I'm not sure why I need to write this book when my flesh wins the battles sometimes. Most times. Almost every time. But God does use people before they come fully out of what they are doing. Like rehab the prostitute. She was known as what she did. I'm known as being gay. Even though I try to change. Or so I say. But it's hard to feel like your trying when you always go back. I usually like to say failing forward. I pick up the 40lb water jugs in each hand in JROTC that I have to carry down to the marked spot in the hallway and back. The whole purpose is to do it as quickly as possible and not drop it. I always drop it. Multiple times. I'm 103lbs. But every time that I pick up the water jugs again I move forward a little bit. I call that failing forward. It doesn't feel like that with my sexuality. I begin to think I'm not strong enough but I know that's a lie. So I become lost. Heart broken. And feel damaged. Like I'm failing backwards. I don't  feel or see any progress. I just feel failure.