Who's Fault?

Chapter Twenty-One

Getting up from the bed, I couldn't stop myself from tearing up the room; throwing my books off the bookshelf and clothes off of hangers onto the floor, tearing everything off my desk and ripping up papers. When the room was destroyed and it hadn't helped at all, I sat down in the far corner of my closet and started hitting my head against the wall.

I wanted it all to stop. I couldn't take it anymore. The constant memories flashing through my head, the torture my thoughts put me through; it was too much. I was going insane.

"Wren?" I heard Max call for me. His voice sounded muffled so he must not have come inside my room yet. I didn't answer him though. I could only concentrate on one thought...

Maybe if I hit my head hard enough on the wall, I will pass out and never wake up.

"Wren!" His voice sounded clearer and a little shocked. He must have been taking in the state of my room. I ignored him again, continuing what I had been doing. The next time I heard his voice, he was sitting right next to me. "Wren, talk to me. What is going on?"

Once again, I didn't respond. Only repeatedly hit my head on the wall. Except now something was different about it. I finally looked up to see Max's hand on the wall where I had been hitting my head. I couldn't bring myself to look at him as I spoke, "stop it, Max. Move your hand."

"Not until you tell me what is going on."

"I already did."

"No Wren, that's enough. You're going to hurt yourself. Stop trying to push me away and start talking to me."

Tears were still rolling down my face as I looked at him, "what do you want from me, Max? I've already told you I can't do this shit anymore. I'm not strong enough, no matter what you may think. I don't want to, and I can't. The thoughts and memories, and I'm so exhausted but I can't fucking sleep. I'm losing my mind. Everything is becoming too much and I have no one to blame but myself."

"Blame yourself for what? What happened with Eli? That's not your fault, Wren. That's—"

"No. I mean this damn situation I'm in. I can't do it. This is too much."

"What are you talking about?"

I sighed, knowing he would never understand, "nothing."

"Stop that. Don't shut me out. Tell me what's going on." He paused for a moment, taking the chance to really look at me, "I need you to tell me. I can't try to help if I don't know what's happened..."

It was then that I started to once again feel like I was the worst person on the entire planet; taking in how Max looked. He looked so lost and hurt by the fact that I was torturing myself, like he didn't know what to do with himself.

He looked like he felt helpless.

I took a moment to attempt to gather myself. It didn't work though; the tears increased and I didn't know how to do this. "I don't know where or how to start."

"Why don't you start with explaining what brought this on?" Max suggested.

"Today?" I asked him for clarification. He only nodded, "I saw Xavier."

Max thought for a moment, "has he been messing with you again?!"

I hesitated before answering, "yes and no."

"What does that mean?"

"He was... bothering me, but he stopped, then today he bumped into me on purpose as I was walking out of the restaurant."

"Why didn't you tell me he was bothering you? I would've handled it!"

"It wasn't like continuous that I really noticed, it was more of a one-time thing and then he stopped until today, at least I think."