Heteronym

Chapter 41

If I thought telling the man who 'raised' me that he wasn't my father was bad, today was a whole other monster.

The morning had been tougher than I remembered last time. A lot changes in eight years, though. Instead of feeling nervous the only emotions fluttering in my stomach where hate and sadness. There was no more fear; only cold, hard, bitterness was left in its place. Jensen Spack was a demon and today was his day of repentance but in some ways it felt like mine. After an assault so open to the public there was bound to be news crews swarming the area. My name had been all over the media for the past two weeks, blasting the fact that this is the second time I was raped all over the world. At first I was angry, but then I realized what else where they supposed to talk about? It's news and that's it.

There are always going to be assholes that think it's my fault but believe it or not, a majority of people are sympathetic and see survivors as strong. Crazy, right? It took me forever to figure that one out.

But getting out of bed wasn't any easier. Beck was already awake when my alarm went off at six. There would be no classes or work today. In just three months the people around me had pulled strings to push this day up on the court schedule. Usually it would have taken three months to a year, especially in this district. I was silent all morning, taking all of my medication for PTSD and depression before eating a banana and taking a shower. I did the entire thing silently and I could tell it worried Beck, but he let me have my space, watching carefully from a distance. I was glad; he knew I was the type to need my own space in situations like this.

I knew what was going to happen today. That's all I could think about as my head rested on the window of the car, watching the skyscrapers go by slowly. The video of my rape, or at least parts of it, were going to be showed to the jury today. It was impossible for that not to happen. It was key evidence for proving my rape was not just a sexcapade gone wrong but it was also humiliating. Having people know I was raped was one thing, having them see it was another. I think Sylvia would have to leave the room when it played. I didn't blame her. I wished I could leave.

But there was also a part of me that didn't want anyone in my family to see it. I didn't want Beck to feel guilty or Finn to feel like he'd let me down. I didn't want my dad to feel bad for me or for my sister in-law to cry. It would all hurt and there was nothing I could do about it.

On the steps to the New York Distict Court in lower Manhattan, I saw them all. Zeke, Axel, Taylor, Jason, Al, Finn, Sylvia, my dad, and even Beck's mother and step mother were in the background. None of them said a word to me, they just gave me a silent look of reassurance. They all let me walk in with Beck and my two lawyers by myself, letting me feel the illusion of independence. And when Beck had to leave, the comforting way he pulled me to his chest and whispered, "You're the strongest person I know and I love you for it. Just sit there, tell your story, and everyone will be proud of you. I already am, Baby. I love you more than anything," that would have to be enough to carry me through this horrible day.

Maybe sitting in the black padded chair behind the plaintiffs table next my lawyer and his co-council on the left should have come naturally to me. I'd done it to get surgery, my first rape case, in front of the Parole Board and to get emancipated. Spoiler alert; the nauseous feeling never went away with experience. The entire time I felt my nerves climbing and climbing. When Jensen was walked in with his two court marshall's holding his arms, the image of the brunette in a grey suit only sparked memories of the first time around. That did little to calm me.

Jensen had chosen to opt out of a jury trial. I didn't blame him; people were usually less sympathetic towards accused rapists especially after there was already one conviction. If we had to select a jury it would have taken years for the two opposing teams of lawyers to find them, only accepting those who had never heard of hockey or liked the Rangers. It sounds stupid but even the slightest bias could change everything.