incoherent thoughts for lonely people

Poetry No. 1

“Nihilism”
What is living?
Living is objective
Some say not doing the exciting things of ‘life’
Is to not have lived at all
Living and existing
It has no finite meaning
Nothing about life is finite
Meaning isn’t in the universe
It simply exists
It has no meaning
Life has no meaning
It is meaningless
Life is arbitrary
It’s unfair
People are unfair
It all is unfair
My head spins and I begin to vomit
It’s all not right nothing about it
Nothing about it is right
N U L L

“Rambles”
I say things over and over
Repetitive
I repeat and repeat
It’s like talking to a wall
I’m ruining it aren’t I?
It was good and beautiful so I ruin it
That’s what I’m meant to do?
Ruin and ruin
It crumbles and crumbles
My sanity gone
The light inside me dimmed
I may smile
I may laugh
But it means nothing
It doesn’t matter
I could smile and laugh
And still be breaking
But no one analyzes it
No one questions it
No one notices my depressed writing
My horrid mental state
Just one question:
Whose fault is it?
Mine or those around me?
Is it my fault for not speaking out directly?
Or their fault for not even trying to see if I’m ok?
Is it my fault for not trusting them enough to tell them directly?
Or their fault for never checking on me, at least trying hard to make sure I’m ok?
Whose fault is it? Who is to blame?
I want to find someone at fault
So I can fix it
But maybe that’s just how it should be

“Palpitations”
Heart palpitations
Whether skipping or adding
Heart palpitations
Pretending everything is normal
But heart palpitations

“Knowledge”
Wish I knew
Wish you showed it
If you told me
I wouldn't know it
Broken hearts
Broken bones
With you
I'm never home
Tear me up
Pieces apart
With you
I fall apart
No happiness
No tears
Just contentment
Throughout the years
Ask me
What's this about?
Maybe then I wouldn't be a heart locket
Maybe then I'd open up

“December 11th 2018”
December 11th 2018
December 11th 2018
What's so important about December 11th 2018
I don't know
It's when I had ideas
When I finally realized
I have no one
And having no one
Means not talking
So I distance myself
I still try to call out for help
For action
Pathetic of me
Stop calling out
Silence
Distance
Master these
Silence yourself
Talk to no one
Create distance
No one matters
If you don't matter to them
Repeat until you get it
They don't matter
They don't matter
You don't matter
December 11th 2018
Another day
Another death wish
December 11th 2018

“Head Spins”
Spinning and spinning
I get a little dizzy
I’m disgusting, aren’t I?
What excuse is it this time?
That it’s the only way I know you care?
Why don’t I just, let myself enjoy things?
Let myself enjoy life?
I’m afraid to live
Afraid, afraid, afraid
I’m always afraid
Always angry
Always annoyed
Always negative
Stop it
Don’t think
Don’t talk
Do nothing
Stop existing
Just stay quiet
And idle
And gone
You can’t exist
Not for anyone else
Exist only for me