The Monster Within

Chapter 4

"How you guys worked out a system like that I'll never know, but I assume that you at least changed the sheets once and a while," Emma says as Killian sets a plate down in front of her.

He then sits down across from her.

The two eat in silence for a long time, simply focusing on one thing at a time.

"This is really good," Emma says, complimenting the steak.

"Thank you, it takes a lot of practice to cook it just right and get the right amount of spices mixed in."

"I bet you'll be a chef in another life," she smiles.

Killian looks at his beautiful companion and returns the warm gesture. It's nice to see that smile again even if it's fleeting. He then swallows some steak, thinking about how he's going to approach the next issue.

"Uh... Swan..."

"Yes?"

"I...I don't know how to tell you this but uh..."

"What's wrong Killian?"

"I've just been thinking... about your current... behaviour... with the nightmares and the uh... crying..."

"What about it?"

"Well... I'm worried about you Emma."

"You shouldn't be," she insists.

"But I am. Emma," he reaches across the table to grab her hand. "What I've seen from you is not normal. It's a result of what happened to you... What that monster put you through."

Emma looks away, a chill goes up against her spine. She shuts her eyes tightly and lays her head in her hands.

"I know I can't understand what you went through."

"No one can Killian!" Emma sobs.

"But I think it's important you at least talk to someone."

"I'm not going to a shrink Killian, I'm fine!"

"No Love you're not. What happened to you... it can't be brushed aside or ignored. It's not healthy to hide from it or act like everything's okay. It's not good for you or the baby. Regina's recommending a good psychiatrist who can do couples therapy and even help Henry... His name is..."

Emma gets up from the table and goes to her room, shutting the door behind her. Killian wants to go in and comfort her but decides to give her some space. No one wants to go to a psychiatrist, it's basically admitting that something is wrong with them. It's a hard reality to face and he decides to let her have some time.

Inside the bedroom, Emma curls up into a ball and just starts crying. She can't go to a shrink... it basically admits that she's crazy. What happened was horrible, but she doesn't want to relive it in front of a total stranger on a random couch in an unfamiliar office. Not a single person in the world could understand. Not even fancy assholes with doctorates could even comprehend what she went through. The torture, the raping, the strangling, being treated like a piece of meat, the constant threat of death... everything. The thought of never seeing her son again, being chained to the bed, the days stuck in the trunk of the car... Psychiatrists promise that they can "fix you" or cure you, but it's all a lie. Talking about it won't help her, it would just make it worse. Why can't they move on?

She continues to sob increasingly. The haunting memories flash through her mind. The pain she felt, the anger, the hopelessness, the horror. Nothing could save her, she was beyond help. Also, it was not like anyone wanted to help her anyway. Emma has spent most of her life alone and she has trust issues. Everyone whom she'd ever trusted had let her down, starting with her birth parents, the family that adopted her but then sent her back after they had their own child, the foster homes that gave her nothing, August... Neal... Why should she trust anyone, they'd all betrayed her? That is why she built the walls, to protect herself from the pain... but this time, the pain seemed almost too great to be contained in the walls. It was flowing over them and causing her body great anguish. She'd had a hard enough life as it was, so why of all people was she abducted? Was fate that cruel to her? Did God hate her?

Emma stares up at the ceiling for a long time, thinking about how much it hurt, how much that bastard Arthur King haunted her. There were no words to describe it.

Suddenly, she feels the baby kick her abdomen. The little one is pushing almost rhythmically at her insides. Surprisingly, this did not hurt. It was quite gentle and soothing... almost like the baby was comforting her. The little one was probably responding to all of Emma's emotion and stress... Emma wonders, could the baby feel her pain too? She didn't want her daughter to feel her distress and worry, she didn't deserve it.

She thinks about her teenage child, the one who hid his feelings. He didn't deserve what happened to him either, but it wasn't his fault or hers...

She reflects on how her current behaviour is impacting her children and what about... Killian? He was probably suffering too, especially when she was in pain. Clearly, he cared about her if he stayed this entire time, going all over the state to find her. You don't do that if you just like someone...

Additionally, he was unlike anyone she'd ever met before. He trusted her and she trusted him. He told her that he'd go to the ends of the Earth for her and he'd be there for her and the baby. No one does that unless it's out of...

Love. Did Killian love her? It seemed likely, but then again, she loved Neal for so long and he left. She cared about him and put her heart in his hands, only for him to crush it and cause her great pain. She hadn't felt the love of any kind in a while and maybe... what Killian was suggesting for her was out of love. He cared about her and he was concerned about her well-being and the baby's...

She sighs and puts her hand on her stomach. She suddenly notices that her hand is shaking, almost violently. She doesn't quite know why, but it's not normal. Everything that happened to her was not normal but... it wasn't her fault. So why did she have to suffer for someone else's misdeeds?

This is how Arthur controlled, made her feel like nothing and that no one cared about her. He made her feel like an object that could be abused however he wanted. She didn't deserve that, neither does her son or her unborn daughter or... Killian.

Emma wipes her face and goes to the door. She peers out to see Killian cleaning up the dishes from dinner. Most of the people from her past would've just left, given up completely.

Emma walks out and stands at the edge of the kitchen. Killian turns around and looks at Emma. She becomes lost in his bright blue eyes again. She saw genuine concern for her and genuine... love.

"Are you all right?" he asks quietly.

Emma sucks in a deep breath. "Not really... I'm sorry I got upset at you, it's just so hard..."

"I know," he says. He starts to go and hug her but decides to let her come to him instead.

Emma nearly falls into his arms. It felt a little uncomfortable and a few terrible flashbacks race through her mind. She squirms a little bit and Killian loosens his grip on her.

"I just don't think that anyone can really help me..."

"I know..."

"But thinking about Henry, you, our baby... you didn't deserve any of this."

"And neither did you," Killian murmurs.

"I know. I just don't want him to have the last laugh. He made me feel worthless to control me and he hurt me in ways I cannot describe."

"But you're not worthless Love, not by a long shot. You are worth so much to so many people and we worried about you, day and night."

"And I appreciate that... I guess I just need to find a way to move on."

"And we'll be right there with you all the time Love..."

Emma looks up at Killian. She can feel her heart race. How she had missed his handsome face and his embrace. Arthur had ruined that slightly, making her afraid of intimacy, but she wanted him. She wanted to feel safe in his arms again, like those two nights so long ago. She leans in and kisses him. The moment makes her forget all her troubles, all her memories, everything and focus on this moment. She enjoyed the tenderness of his lips and the way he smelled. He kissed her like he meant it like he loved her. She wanted to be normal again, be happy and spend time with him like they used to. It seemed unlikely that she would ever be cured, but she wants to feel secure and content.

Once they break apart, she speaks.

"So, what's this doctor's name?"