Peter Parker Oneshots

Bitch I'm Gay

Alright, this one was requested by @ImQueer13 - Stony, Spideypool, and MJxShuri (Is there a ship name for MJxShuri?)

Enjoy.

Peter had slammed his face into his desk repeatedly when the teacher had announced that they were going to Stark Towers. On a field trip. Now, considering that Natasha had EXPOSED him, and every single Avenger was staring at him - most of them smirking, Steve just looking like he wanted to either go on a rant about honesty, murder his husband and the rest of his teammates, or just disappear - Peter now wanted to find the nearest table to repeat the process. "Peter..." Mr. Stark wheedled. "Tony." Steve interrupted. "Steve." "We are NOT going to mess with Peter tomorrow." "Oh, yes we are." "We are NOT." "Please, you want to do it." "I do not, embarrassing people is just rude. I can't believe you're even considering this, Tony," "Eh, you love me for it," Tony said, kissing Steve on the cheek. Clint mock-gagged. "Adults," The archer said, rolling his eyes. "You're an adult," Bucky pointed out, raising an eyebrow. "Can I really be classified as an adult? Natasha always tells me I'm too immature for that. I'm an adult? This is the best day ever. I'm going to go tell everyone I know," Clint replied cheerfully. Sam facepalmed. "Look, Steve, you don't have to participate if you don't want to. But I'm sure Shuri would love a chance to embarrass her girlfriend, so it isn't just Peter." Steve shook his head in disappointment. "I suppose I can't stop you," He said, but Peter could see a hint of a smile curving his lips. "This is an affront!" Peter declared, offended. "I am affronted." Natasha opened her mouth to speak, but Peter shot a web outside the room - he was getting better at shooting webs without the web shooters - and swung outside, kicking the door shut behind him. "You're cleaning that up!" Tony yelled. "Last time it hung there for a couple days until we had to track you and your fancy special web dissolver down!" "I'm going to bed, Mr. Stark!" "Why can't you just call me Tony? You call everyone else by their names!" "Good night, Mr. Stark!"

This is a time skip, brought to you by Deadpool's Fourth Wall Breaking powers

"Kill me now," Peter moaned, sitting on the bus. "Where's my knife...?" MJ said, unzipping her bag. "Hey!" Peter exclaimed. "What?" MJ asked with a smirk. "That's not what you're supposed to say," He muttered. "Oh, I'm sorry. 'Oh, no, I'm so sorry for you, just try to stay under the radar'. Is that helpful? Of course it isn't. You're screwed - in fact, we're both screwed because Shuri's there - and I'm not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you about it." Peter rolled his eyes. MJ and Shuri had started dating a few months ago, and they definitely won the award for 'Lesbian Power Couple That Makes Fun of Peter the Most'.

As the Stark Tower loomed above them, Peter felt dread creeping in. "Good luck, man," Ned said, patting him on the back. "Baby boy!" A very familiar voice shouted as the doors burst open. "Shit, already?" MJ muttered. A figure clad in red and black zoomed up to Peter and tackled him in a hug. "Wade!" Peter yelped as his boyfriend pulled back and grinned at him. "Peter!" Wade exclaimed. "What the fuck is going on with Penis Parker and Deadpool?" Flash whispered to one of his friends. Obviously he was trying to be quiet, but Peter's incredible senses easily picked it up, and from the way Wade stiffened and a hand drifted to his gun, he had heard it too. "Wade," Peter said warningly. "Peter." "Wade." "Peter." "Wade!" "PETER!" "NO!" Peter yelled. "Remember the no-kill streak? Mr. Stark's going to kill you!" He added, lowering his voice to a whisper. "Begone, THOT!" Another familiar voice screamed, glaring at Flash. "Shuri!" MJ exclaimed, half excitement, half dread and horror. "MJ!" The princess yelled loudly and threw her arms around MJ. Flash was staring at the five people - two standing, two hugging, and Ned grinning like a maniac. "This is horrible, and we haven't even gotten through the doors," Peter mumbled.

When they finally did get through the doors, there was even more commotion. "Shuri, daughter of T'Chaka. Alpha 10. Jones, Michelle "MJ". Alpha 10. Thompson, Flash. Omega 1. Classified name. Deadpool. High security alert. Initiating contact with Boss." FRIDAY said with a tiny hint of amusement. "Oh, come ON!" Wade screeched indignantly. Peter snickered. "Shut up, Peter. We all know what's going to happen when you-" "No, shut up." Peter cut off Wade mid-sentence. "What, you don't want to -" "Shut up." "But-" "Shut. Up." "FRIDAY INITIATE FIELD TRIP PROTOCOL!" Wade screeched. "NO!" Peter yelled. "Initiating Field Trip Protocol. Contacting: Tin Can, Katniss, Mr. Frisbee, Green Angry Guy, Lightning Guy, Natasha, Weird Magic Lady, Tin Can 2.0, Pigeon, Glasses, Tic-Tac, Magic Boi, Magnet Arm, and Guardians of the Samsung." Peter felt a burst of pride at successfully hacking and changing all their, names, quickly stifled by dread. "FRIDAY, how could you betray me like this?" He asked, insulted. "YEET!" Wade screamed, shoving Peter through the access detector. "Parker, Peter. All-access pass Alpha 20. Boss says good job reprogramming the names, though he's going to kill you later. Ms. Romanoff is highly pleased, however, and recommends never changing it." "Tell Mr. Stark that the fact that the only level above Alpha 10 is Alpha 20 is ridiculous and tell Nat that I won't." "Boss replies that the fact that you won't call him Tony is ridiculous when you call the rest of them by their names, and says before you start talking about his ridiculousness, consider your own first." "Oh come ON, FRIDAY. Let's be real here. Tell Mr. Stark that he is way more ridiculous than me and should waltz the fu- frick. The fu-rick. The frick up onto the first place spot of ridiculousness."