You must think that I was a joke. Because how could you issue something that sparked hope in me and then disappear after? Of course, I pretended that I did not get you; I pretended that I did not spend sleepless nights staring at my ceiling for hours replaying that scene in my head. That was until I saw you with her again and reality slapped me right across the face.
And that was when I realized that the hope that had started to bloom inside my chest was still part of the torture you had designed to get back at me. Honestly, that realization was a bigger heartache than the time my heart broke over you because I knew that this pain was deliberately dealt.
And that thought ruined me. You ruined me. It was funny how it made me feel numb. Numb despite the constant gnawing ache in my heart. An ache that I had to live with everyday. An ache so constant that it became a part of my existence. An existence that was empty because I felt numb.
When would this end? I asked. When would I forget? When would I let go? When would I move on? I was riddled with when until I realized that I should be more concerned with how.
How was I supposed to forget when I wasn't not too keen on forgetting? How was I supposed to let go of something that wasn't even mine? How was I supposed to move on when there wasn't a relationship to move on from? How?
I tried. I tried so hard. I tried so hard to convince myself that I was truly happy for you. I acted happy as I tried fooling myself into thinking that it didn't matter who you'd end up with. I thought your happiness was all I ever wanted. But I was a fool. A fool filled with foolish thoughts. A fool whose thoughts were foolish because they were filled with hope and you.
I couldn't stop hoping. I couldn't stop because you made it impossible for me to stop. Impossible because you fed the longing in my heart. A longing that clung to hope. A hope that bloomed with your every word and every gesture. Words and gestures that I mistook for something else. Something that wasn't entirely different from our reality. A reality that weighed me down with hopelessness. A hopelessness so consuming that it left me numb and needy. Needy and numb. Numb but filled with pain. Pain so excruciating that it started to feel beautiful. Beautiful but venomous. Venomous in its beauty.
I continued to pretend. I pretended because I thought that I did not have a choice. A choice that was limited because I already chose to hold on to you.
But I eventually got tired. I got tired playing the role of someone who was willing to die for a love that would never be. Tired of hurting. Tired of hoping. And tired of you. So tired that I woke up one morning and wondered why I was waiting for someone who was obviously not coming back. Not coming back to me. To me, who was thirsty for a happily-ever-after with you. With you who was working to get your happily-ever-after with her.
Please don't see me again. I told you last week when your family came over for my mother's birthday party. I never forgot to paste a practiced smile on my lips whenever you were around but I was done hiding. I was done hiding my pain for your sake. I was done thinking about your feelings. I was done being afraid that showing unhappiness would lead you to your despair. I was done caring. So, I cried and showed you my pain as I begged for you to leave.
Please. I told you then. I no longer want you here. I sobbed as I put my hand against my heart.
You opened your mouth to say something and closed it again as if you had changed your mind. But I was done. Done hoping. Done hurting. Done waiting. And done longing. I wanted you gone. I wanted to be free. Free from you. Free from the poison also known as your happiness. Free from your happiness that was obviously because of someone else.
I'm sorry. You murmured and my tears fell faster. It was painful to hear you apologize because you'd rather not love me.
I'm sorrier. I said before I smiled at you for the last time and waved goodbye.
That night, I cried until there was nothing left to cry. I cried until I felt like dying. I cried until I felt like I would never be happy again. I cried for you. But mostly, I cried for me. Because somewhere along the path of waiting, longing, hurting and I hoping that I chose to tread, I lost myself. I lost myself to the agony. The excruciatingly beautiful agony of loving you.
From then on, I stopped choosing you no matter how hard.
I chose everyday not to see you.
I chose everyday to ignore you.
I chose everyday to slowly let you go.
And I watched as that choice killed you slowly. So slowly that it was barely noticeable. But I noticed...
Still, I chose for both of us to drown in misery because I was scared to face the truth that I would never be able to walk away from you when I already told you that I had...
