Relying On Ben and Jerry (Waltham #1)

Chapter Forty-One: Uneventful

“Really?” Kline demanded, unconvinced, her eyes flashing with anger. “I dare you to tell me that you like who you are right now and mean it. I dare you to look me in the eye and tell me that this completely normal, watered-down version of Lena Mallory is the person you have been this whole time.”

I hadn’t ever said no to a dare, no matter what it was. I had done some seriously embarrassing things because of a stupid dare, and I had done things that had been potentially dangerous and I had known that but I had done it anyway, because someone had dared me to. That was just the way I was. I chugged that liter of Diet Coke or I jumped off of the roof and into the pool—it was the way I was, and I wasn’t afraid to admit that. But this dare, this thing that Kline was asking me to do . . . I couldn’t. I realized that I couldn’t mean it if I told her that—I knew that I was familiar with this Lena that I was right now because I had been her my entire life, but I didn’t know for sure if I had always been her. I might have been the Lena with the mismatching colors and I had just forced myself never to admit it. I might have been the girl that dressed funny and made a statement and laughed just because I could laugh at all but I might not have known it until then. And now I might not know it for a long time, because there wasn’t any way that I would be able to get away with acting like a spaz in high school. There wasn’t a way that I would be able to act like the girl I have been for the last couple of months without so much judgment.

If I ever wanted to be that kind of Lena again, it might not even be worth it. It might not even be possible. I might not even want to be that kind of Lena. Maybe I just wanted to be the way I always have been.

So when they looked at me smugly, waiting for my answer, I let them down by softly telling them, “I can’t do that.”

And then I turned around and walked away, because it might have killed me to see their disappointment.

Heck, it killed me now just feeling my own. But I knew this was the way it had to be. I knew that, even if I was the Lena that dressed strange and did dares, not everyone would accept me for who I am.

Frankly, I didn’t know what I wanted anymore.

~*~

I should have expected what would happen in History of Rock.

“Linny,” Tyler started slowly, his eyes wide. “What’s up with your new digs?”

I smiled at him wryly. He only got my name right half of the time, and it really wasn’t worth the effort it would take to correct him time and time again, so I just let it slide. I nervously brushed some imaginary dust off the front of my shirt before I shrugged at him, saying, “I just felt for a change.”

He frowned and said nothing more. I sighed to myself once I had turned around, sitting down in my usual seat as habit taught me to. I pulled out my folder and flipped open to the first empty page, needing something to do so I scrawled my name in the corner with the date and period, the way that all teachers require the paper to be set up. When I looked up Quinton was sitting in his spot next to me, staring at me. I looked back at him in surprise, not expecting him to be there.

“Hey,” I greeted, shooting him a shy smile. “What’s up?”

“Lena?” he demanded, sounding so truthfully shocked that I almost smiled in amusement if he didn’t immediately frown, making me want to sigh. “You aren’t dressed up.”

“I’m not.” I shrugged.

He waited, but I gave no further explanation. “Why?”

“It seemed stupid, I guess. Pointless. It’s no big deal,” I tried to tell him, but the words burned my tongue like the worst of all lies. I pursed my lips together but I shouldn’t have been so careless about the expressions on my face with Quinton around—he immediately scowled, reading me like no one ever should be able to.