Ten | newtmas

forty five

"Okay," I say. He smiles, and just like every other time since I agreed to the trial that I've felt the comfort just a simple word or expression of his gives me, I feel a piece of me shatter.

"Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'd like to go around and have everyone share something they're thankful for, or proud of. It's important to keep the positives in mind during recovery," Ava Paige says.

That's a tough one. I'm in a psych ward, I've got a broken ankle, my parents are splitting up, and I may either have to leave Thomas or be forced to stay while TIMI drugs it's patients. I'm not finding a lot of blessings to count here.

I can imagine everyone else is having a similar dilemma, because they all take a long time to think of an answer. Some people wind up saying they're thankful for a pet, or thankful for a family member. Chuck says he's thankful for his friends, and looks at all of the Normals in the room.

When it reaches Thomas, he nods to Chuck. "What Chuck said," Thomas says.

"Is there anything of your own you can think of?" Dr. Paige says. I cringe. It'd be in her best interest to not push Thomas.

"Yeah, I guess," Thomas says, looking at her with the deadly glare only she and Janson can bring out in him. "I'm thankful for honest people. Honorable people. People that keep promises."

I get that he's talking about WCKD, but what promise? Ava Paige nods, then quickly turns to me as I hear Thomas scoff from next to me. Maybe someday she'll learn not to engage with him.

"I'm thankful that I've been able to recover," I start shakily. I've had a bit of time to think while everyone else went, but I never quite feel prepared. "I'm also glad I've had such good people to help me figure myself out."

Dr. Paige looks more emotionless than usual. "Thank you for sharing," she says, before moving on. It gives me a pain in my chest. She really doesn't want me to leave.

Thomas is coaching me through ERP exercises in the rec room, meaning I'm doing this in front of everyone in there. The Normals are all giving me random stuff to do, and I appreciate the help a lot, but I'm getting really overwhelmed. The past two days have just been too much, and I'm on the verge of snapping. But for now, I push the bad thoughts away, and try to stay in the moment.

Every time I complete one of the things they ask, I find myself looking at Thomas. His expression has gotten a lot harder to read. He looks happy still, and definitely proud, but there's a sadness there that's hard to miss. Chuck looks the same, but he's not as good at hiding it.

I keep coming back to the thought that I do not want to leave Thomas. Whenever I try to think of how I'm going to say goodbye, my anxiety flares up and I have to stop. Being back at home in my normal room without Chuck, then getting out of bed and not seeing Thomas waiting for me outside my door is going to feel so strange now. I've gotten used to my routine here—and the people that come with it.

So, I try to appreciate them as best I can while they're in front of me.

"Newt, try snapping your fingers twice," Jeff chimes in.

I frown. "I've never tried that before," I say. That's scary, trying a new one in front of everyone.

"You can do it, just try," Zart says.

Thomas nods, so I shrug. "Fine," I say. I snap my fingers, putting my mind on autopilot. Once, twice. Then, a third time. I stop quickly, making my hand into a fist. My face goes pink. Was that on purpose? Or was that just a reflex? "I-I didn't mean to do that."