Tough Love | BxGxB

2: Here I Am

- " I could say I'm done with it, but it lurks in me, So I'm a just tell myself that it works for me "

It had been officially three weeks since I been out. The only person who had any knowledge of me being back on the streets was Flame. He says nobody was really out here speaking ill of me or looking for me. It was good that nobody knew we were related. It took me some time to process that my Dad had an outside child with a whole other woman. As far as I knew I was an only child and dreamed of a big family. My mother and I just couldn't get our relationship to an amicable place. It was hard for me to even be in the same room as her at times.

We're still finding ways to mend our relationship constantly. My resentment of her comes from the things I was exposed to as a child. When she would do drugs or go on an alcohol binge the things I was exposed no kid should ever see. I saw my mother get treated like dirt, and continue to crawl back to each man that hurt her. One man beat her so bad that she had a miscarriage with her baby. After all of that, she still refused to put the nigga in jail. A lot of things from my upbringing hardened me. I promised myself I wouldn't have a dysfunctional relationship with my Son, but I found myself walking the same mile as my Dad.

I wouldn't expose my kid to everything in my life. I wanted to be there but building emotional relationships with people stumped me. He was turning four and hadn't seen me since he was born. I held on to pictures of him and talked to him on the phone often but my dislike for my baby's mother kept me away once I found out she gave a statement to the police. That shit really fucked with my trust. How was I to look at her the same knowing of her betrayal? With her being my son's mother I could get her knocked off because I know I wasn't ready to be a full-time Dad. What was I to do?

Once Flame came through the door he tossed me his car keys. I asked him to let me use it for the day because I wanted to pop in on a few people. I was able to locate the money that I stashed away before I went upstate. $300K in full sat in a duffle with my name on it. I got in the car plugging in my Mom's address. I hadn't really conversed much with her since I got locked up. As I drove the way, multiple things caught my eye. Everything looked different to me. The air held a different smell. The food tasted different from what I was used to. I had to get reacquainted with everything society.

Buildings that were standing before were no longer there. People that were alive before were no longer here. The world continued to turn when I thought it revolves around me for the longest. Riding down the street to my old home felt bittersweet. Most of the homes were abandoned or boarded up. I offered several times to move my mother to a new place, but she refused to accept anything from me that was paid with dirty money. I arrived at the big brown home that I used to live in. Not much had changed.

I exited the car looking around. Nobody hung around outside like they used to. A homemade memorial of a guy I used to know lay next to a tree that grew as I did. I shook my head walking up the stairs to the house. I ring the doorbell twice stuffing my hands into my pockets. Shuffling inside of the house causes my ears to perk up. The locks clicked as the door opened slightly. Once my mother noticed it was me she opened up. " You happy to see me? " I smiled, with my arms spread.

" They let you back out? " She said, with a dead expression across her face. Some warm welcome huh? She turned around walking into the home.

I followed behind her shutting the door behind me. " I see you still haven't changed. "

" I see you have... " She started walking into the kitchen and grabbing a glass. " You want some? " She asked, holding up the margarita pitcher.

" I'm straight. " I decline.

" You're bigger than the last time I saw you. " She says, taking a seat at the table as I follow suit.

I sit across from her watching her sip on her alcoholic beverage. " Jail does that to you. I'm surprised you remembered how I looked before. You stopped coming to see me after what? Two months? "