AFO CRITIQUE SHOP [BATCH 2 - FULL]

B2- Minstrelsy (kindEmpress)

Same goes with girl I'm sorry. I think overall it is a great piece. You expressed yourself nicely. Pero may ibang mga lines na nalilihis or perspective na wala talagang kinalaman sa mismong vision mo. It feels like it started as an insecure girl giving this speech like, "yeah I get it. I won't be like you. But it's fine. I will stay true to myself because I don't want to be mean and angry."

Then all of a sudden it's like a mean and angry girl took over the whole persona. The way you delivered it, made me feel like the vision was you becoming this girl that you hate the most. It's ok, siguro kaunting organization of ideas pa. One thing though, I can tell that its made witg raw emotions and it reflected to your poem.

💥Language

Based on what I've read, you prefer your poetry specific and concrete with diction ranging from medium to high. Ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin io dito?

I'm not referring to the language such as English or Filipino. I'm refering to how you chose words to signify your thoughts. This will be the building block of your piece.

I have noticed that you tend to be very direct. What it is, is what it should be. In short concrete diction. Most times your choice of words are also denotations, the dictionary equivalent. Sinabi ko na rin kanina na direct ang intent mo. It's ok if your sole purpose is just get your point across. But poetry is meant to have emotional, psychological, and sociological overtones. It will be very hard for denotation alone.

Wala rin gaanong deep jargons or maybe sociooogical slang which is fine foe your chosen audience. Young pre-teens. Where the reading material is easier to digest.

But as you grow as a writer, a poet you need to be able to write a compact peice and still peel several layers off of it. Take as a reading material The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe. It is a narrative about a raven trying to pry into his room. All throughout the first half of it he referred "MY" chamber door. But all along he was eccentric enough not to realize that the "Raven" or death is not out to get him. It was there for Leonore. As it swoops away her soul he can only shout Leonore. Or maybe he is just hallucinating or most times he's drunk.

Anyway balik sa language. There is nothing wrong with choosing concrete dialect. It is where most of us start but words are so much more if you add context to them and rearrange them in a way that it can be decoded to many many more possible narratives.

💥Voice and Tone:

It refers to the shaping of attitude in poetry. In your book I can say that the overall tone of it was again expressive young girl. That's it.

Dito ko rin ako nagkaroon ng background at idea kung gaano ba talaga ka self-aware ang speaker. And based on it, maybe suggestion ko, hmmm learn to explore and take chances. Not just just textbook eloquence.

By the tone of your entries I can tell that you are exceptionally smart, very God fearing, diligent, and family-oriented and at the same time caged. What I mean by this, you are too caged on the basics. There are a million more smart little girls in that symbolic cage. You need to step by step break your way out of it.

Again, your readers should be able to decode several layers of yourself. Are you quick on sarcasm? What comparisons do you often associate common things with? What color is your sky? How many dimensions can you take us to?

Honestly the book was good. But it was not diversed enough to attract someone who is not part of the pre-teens to teens demographic.

💥Imagery:

With all honesty I like the Filipino entries more when it comes to imagery.

We both know that unlike prose fiction, poetry is compact, mettered and most times constricting. So you just have to make use of every tool at your disposal to make an impact with such limited medium.