secret

-five

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I looked at my wrists, wondering why I'd done such stupid things to myself. Flashbacks of the rape came flooding in, and I shut my eyes. It made them worse.

"Cady, are you okay?" Austin's voice brought me back into reality.

"Y-Yeah. I'm fine." I opened my bedroom door and let him in.

"You don't look fine.." he raised his eyebrows.

I didn't realize I was holding a blade until he looked at me with concern. "Cady.."

"It all comes rushing back at once and I can't fucking think."

He sat me down. "What does?"

"The.."

"Never mind, I remember."

"I basically just.. every time the flashbacks come back it reminds me of how.. used I am."

"Babe.."

"It reminds me of how I don't deserve someone like you, and it makes me think you don't actually want me,  you want sex."

He looked at me. "If that's what I wanted, I would've already tried to get it.."

I swallowed and looked at him. "I know."

"I haven't even asked you to be mine yet because I don't want you to think I'm rushing things."

"It's been two months. We met exactly two months ago today."

"How do you know?" he asked.

I sighed. "I keep a journal. Not of just you, but since June 16, you've been the main focus of it."

"Can I read it?" he asked.

I thought about it. "Okay, here's what I'll do. You can take it back to your house, read it all, and then come back over and we'll talk about it. Some of the stuff is good, others is bad. We won't talk at all until you've read it all."

"Okay."

I got up, walked over to my closet, and took it off the top shelf. I handed it to him.

He kissed my cheek. "See you soon."

I grinned, hugging him.