The unpredictable lie (Complete)

chapter 4 forgivness

Kaiya straightened the skirt and socks she/he was wearing, then clothed himself in my jacket. drying his eyes. Then I heard him whisper i almost didn´t hear him..                                                 -your to nice....even though you hate me right now....your still trying to be nice to me...I...wish I could...be that girl that you wanted...for you.. I sighed.  i really wasnt though.                                        -at least now I know why you wouldn't...oh God...I can't DEAL whit this right now...are you sure your alright? I asked again, feeling so agitated and strange over everything that happened. I didn't even know what I was feeling at the moment.                                                                               -yes...they...didn't pleas....Neji...don't hate me to much...i'll....i'll go home now...you...don't need to follow. I never meant for this to happen. I..i..i just wanted to..to cheer you up. I'm sorry Neji... bye...she jumped up quickly in front of me and then whit a last soft peck Kaiya ran away from me and what I think was home. I felt all dizzy, like I wanted to puke. felt how sick whit anger and pain I had been and still where. I had been in love whit a guy...whit a guy!...I went to the nurse office and excused myself from school. Claiming I had eaten something wrong. and went home. I had to many thoughts, to many emotions, yet for some strange reason I felt all lonely and empty inside. something where now missing.

As the week past, I didn't see much of Kaiya, only a glimpse here and there in school. she always had this sad hurt face. still beutiful though. how a boy could look that good was beond me. i did notice that people had started to avoid her more and more. but so far no one dared to do anything. it was like they didn´t belive what the roumors where saying. but it was enought for Kaiya to pull back and start fading into the backround. This one time I saw her...no... HIM sneak away to the locker rooms alone. had this been before everything i would have followd. but not now. it wasn´t for me anymore. she probebly succerd someone else in there by now, or not. i found myself sighing alot lately. finding myself missing Kaiya all the time and wanting just to hear her voice ore smell her soft sent. HE haunted me both night and day. it was difficult focusing on anything else. even though i now knew what he was. and that made me starting to notice that I was't as disgusted as I thought I would be over the fact I had made out whit a guy. Strangely enough, I still found him as adorableas ever. this even though I now knew it wasn't a girl underneath it all, but a guy. 

my classmates who never seemed to notice me before all of this happened. Was now asking me what was wrong, if something happened. how come they all now suddenly knew who i was? wasn´t i suppose to be invisible? whitout friends? but aparently they where worrided about me becouse i looked "down in the dumps" as someone of them said.i couldn´t tell them, no reson to make more roumors in school. my family also ask me what was wrong and actually, mom pointed out that I looked as if I had fallen unhappily in love. Well I guess in a way I had. I was in love whit the fantasy image i had of the female Kaiya. But sens she didn't exist I had to deal whit the sadness over her not being there. Because I really was. I truly where unhappily in love whit the Girl Kaiya. i wanted her, I needed her. yet I knew now she where a guy and I didn't know HIM at all. and i couldn´t be whit a guy right? i wringkled my forhead in deep thoughts when theses thought occured. hell no I wheren't gay...

when three weeks had past, i had still not spoken another word whit Kaiya. and it hurt, i was really lonely, but my shallowly aquainted classmate couldn´t fill the void i was feeling. i was deeply poundering over these thoughts, walking home from school absantmindely. just as i was going up the stairs to my entrens door. I found on My doorstep My school jacket neatly folded and washed. it still had the sent of Kaiya on it,  I couldn't get myself to wear the jackat again, I just missed her to much. instead I went and got myself a new one. the old one I hide under my pillow sniffing it in secret trying to forget yet not being able to let go. i realised I where in love whit Kaiya that was that. I really loved her...ore him....but sens we where both men and I knew that others knew about that. so we could never be. I wheren't gay. if I had been, I would beg Kaiya to love me, to be whit me. but I wasn't, and I refused to be. so we could never. ever. be. No matter what my stupid heart wanted in this matter. It could just go and screw itself or something.