Less amazing, still Phil

Change

It has been three moths since Dan left.  Three long and miserable months.

It was 1 o'clock in the afternoon and Phil was still in bed. In the past three months his world had completely crashed around him and he had no idea how to handle it. He hadn't made any videos, he rarely got up before noon and he certainly didn't shower every day. Everything had changed.

Phil hadn't heard anything from Dan. His Facebook had been deleted, he never went on twitter, he had a new number and didn't reply to his e-mails. He had been completely erased from Phils life and Phil hated it. 

He hated change.

This is exactly why change was bad. He sat up and stroked his arms. He felt the slight bump of scars from his past. 

This is what people didn't know about Phil. Phil suffered with depression, in his youth he had turned to cutting and self harm, he got sent to therapy for a couple of months but he hated it so much that he just refused to go. Then Dan came along and, without even realising, Dan made him so much better. When Dan was around, Phil was happy, an emotion he was convinced he could never feel any other time, Dan was blissfully unaware of Phils mental state for a lot of reasons. The main reason though was simply because Phil was ashamed, he thought that if Dan knew he would be worried and he would feel like it was his job to cheer him up, he wouldn't be the normal, weird Dan, and Phil didn't want that.

Phil had suffered with his depression for a long time so, unlike in his teenage years, he accepted the fact that he needed help, he just was unsure of how to get it. He didn't want to ask his family because they all thought that the depression "phase" was over. He could go to a therapist but, again, he was ashamed. So he settled for suffering in silence and pretending that nothing was wrong when people saw him. 

Not that anyone did see him. Now that Dan was gone no one felt obliged to talk to Phil. Phil was definitely the outcast of his social group. He only got invited to things because of Dan, they were pity invites. On the rare occasion that he did show up to the events, he usually got ignored while everyone was busy laughing at their private jokes and showing off about their new jobs or houses or, in Carrie and Alex's case, their new children. No one really meant to hurt Phil or leave him out it was just that no one had anything to say to him anymore. YouTube was a touchy subject because everyone was over that part of their life and he never socialised enough to find out if any of them had some sort of common interest. 

stupid, boring, annoying little twat 

Phil thought to himself as he finally got out of bed to make a cup of tea. He stepped in to the kitchen and took a deep sigh. The kitchen, like the entire house, was a mess. He has complete abandoned if for the past three months. There were empty milk bottles on the side, stains and spilt food on the floor, piles of dirty dishes and abandoned cutlery. He never used to be like this. Three months ago everything would have been spotless, washing up would have been done as soon as it needed doing, spillages would have been cleaned up before he ate, the bin was changed on an almost daily basis. Now everything was different, because he didn't care, Phil didn't care about anything anymore, all he cared about was Dan, and Dan was gone. 

Phl gave up on trying to find a clean cup and walked in to the livingroom. The room was disgusting, it had piles of washing and empty fast food conatiners on the floor, blankets and make shift pillows from where phil had falled asleep watching tv, DVD cases and discs all over the table, mug after mug of stale coffee and tea. That was it, Phil couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't live like this. He was going to get his house and his life sorted out. For the first time in his life, Phil wanted to change.

"Hello London Psychological Centre, Mandy speaking how may i help?" The voice was high pitched and far too happy for Phils liking. He took a deep breath, and counted to 5 in his head to calm himself down.

"Um, Hello" Phil started "My name is Phil Lester and i... i need some help"

"Good afternoon Phil, what sort of help are you looking for? The psychological center offers many types of mental health care and services" Mandy carried on talking but Phil had stopped listening, he knew exactly what he wanted help with he just couldn't bare to say it out loud. "Hello, sir, are you there?"

"Yes, sorry." Phil replied 

"Okay then so what is it you need help with" Phil could sense that the woman was getting impatient with him 

"I... I want to see a therapist. I have suffered with... with... depression for a long time and... i need to get it sorted"

"Okay then" the woman replied, slightly happier that she hadn't completely wasted her time "have you been diagnosed with depression or is it a self diagnosis?"

"No, i have been diagnosed" 

"Alright then well we can fit you win with Dr Coventry tomorrow at 4pm. Would that be okay?"

"um.. yes, yes that would be fine"

"Alright then, we will see you tomorrow have a good day"  Phil chuckled to himself slightly knowing that even Mandy knew 'have a good day' was the wrong phrase to use.

Tomorrow. fuck, i was expecting a few months away

he took a deep breath and decided to get back in to bed with his Dexter boxset for thr 3rd time this month. Tomorrow will be different, tomorrow will, hopefully, be better. Tomorrow things will change.