Fingers Crossed (Synacky)

Chapter Ten

He spent the afternoon sobbing. He couldn’t dry his tears, couldn’t bring them to a stop. Zacky gripped Brian’s ring tight in his fist. “B-Bribri…” he sniffled, “Please d-don’t go.”

Then the first wave of nausea hit and he spent the rest of the evening by the toilet.

He barely made it onto the plane, getting there after the rest of the guys. Brian wouldn’t even look at him, not even as he explained to the guys he must have picked up some bug, because he felt sick.

Brian requested a different seat on the flight, and Zacky sat alone. It didn’t matter, anyway. Most of that was spent in the bathroom with the lavatory light on.

He felt somewhat better by the time they landed in the Philippines. Better as in less sick physically, his heart was still very ill. Not only that, his lungs began to give him issues. Everyone fretted over him on the tour bus as he tried to maintain a normal breathing pattern, everyone except Brian.

“I think you’re having a panic attack.” Lacey said, “What’s been stressing you out lately?”

‘Everything.’ Zacky thought, but his response was just a shrug. Brian pretended that he was interested in the scenery out the window.

At the show, Brian stayed at the opposite side of the stage from Zacky the whole time. Zacky’s backing vocals were weak, not even mediocre at best. He stumbled over the frets, and during their last song, Unholy Confessions, he smashed his guitar on the ground, stalking off the stage. The sound was cutting out anyway, and he really wasn’t in the mood to deal with that.

He was backstage pouring himself a glass of whiskey when Matt barged into their dressing room. “Zacky, what the fuck?”

“Go away, Matt.” Zacky’s voice was passive as he sipped the alcohol.

“Are you and Brian fighting? Because, I’m sorry if you are, but that doesn’t mean you have to ruin the whole experience for thousands of fucking fans. How do you think they feel when you guys hardly acknowledge each other at all on stage, and then you fucking smash your guitar without so much as one goddamn reason?”

Zacky looked up at Matt, swirling his drink around in the cup. “Life is full of disappointments. They’ll get over it.”

“No, you need to get over yourself, Zacky. I think you’ve forgotten that this is your career. You can’t pull something like that and then just brush it off. What has gotten into you?”

Zacky downed the drink, ditching the cup for a swig straight from the bottle. “I dunno.” He said nonchalantly.

Matt stood there in silence for a moment, then he approached Zacky and sat next to him on the couch. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, “Why are you guys fighting in the first place?”

“He thinks I’m cheating.” Zacky whispered, taking a larger gulp of the alcohol, enjoying the burning sensation as it slid down his throat. “He thinks I’m cheating on him, so he gave me this.”

Zacky pulled out the engagement ring from his pocket and showed it to Matt. Matt frowned. “Are you?”

“No.” Zacky’s answer was firm and complete. “I’ve never looked at another guy like that since before we started dating, and even then, he had my attention. It’s just-“ he sipped more of the whiskey, beginning to feel it start to take effect. “I just really wanted to keep it all from him, you know? I had all these appointments, all these decisions and I’ve been seeing specialists and I didn’t want him to know about the cancer. So I lied and-“

“Woah, Zacky, hold on.” Matt’s eyebrows furrowed. “Did you say cancer?”

“Yeah. Stage four lymphoma. I’ve got just a few more months left.” Zacky chuckled, tipping the bottle up. “I didn’t want anyone to know. But I’ve fucked up and now you know.”

He looked over at Matt, to see him staring off into space, face twisted worriedly. “Earth to Matt,” he said, waving his hand in front of Matt’s face, and Matt’s voice was hoarse as he spoke up, “You’re shitting me.”

“No, I’m serious. I had my first round of chemo this morning in Thailand. Look.” Zacky held out his arm. “I took off the Band Aid, but you can still feel where I had the injection.”

“You’re drunk. You’re making this up. You have to be.” Matt whispered, “Zacky…”

“I’m not.” Zacky replied, “I wish I was, but I’m not.”

Matt’s arms were around the guitarist in a heartbeat, squeezing him tight. “Fuck, Zacky.” he whimpered, “You can’t fucking spring something like that on me! You can’t leave us!”

Matt was crying. Zacky was too. He hugged his best friend and they cried, and Zacky whispered, “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.”

“We-We have to tell everyone.” Matt whispered, and Zacky cried, “No! Only you know. No one else. We have to keep it that way. I’m not- I’m not ready to tell them yet.”

And Matt, big, brawny Matt, buried his face in Zacky’s chest, and Zacky rested his chin on the top of Matt’s head. “I’m sorry, Matt…” he whispered over and over again, “I’m so fucking sorry…”

When they had both calmed down and dried their tears, they made their way to the bar where the crew and band were celebrating. “We’re over halfway done with the tour, guys!” Johnny said, handing them each a shot glass of something strange and pink. “It’s bittersweet, isn’t it?”

“Where’s Brian?” Zacky asked, surprised at how flat his voice sounded.

“Sitting by the bar. He’s in a mood. Real pissy about something.”

Zacky handed off his shot to Arin, who frowned down at it like it was an alien, before making his way to the front of the club. Sure enough, there was Brian, a Guinness in his hand. Zacky slid into the seat next to him, regarding him carefully.

“Bri?” he asked softly. Brian didn’t respond. Zacky sighed, “Look, Brian, I didn’t cheat on you. I know I haven’t been telling you the truth lately, but I’ve only been looking out for you. I would never ever dream of looking at another man the way I look at you.”

Zacky pulled the ring out of his pocket. “We’ve been dating for fifteen years, Brian. If I wasn’t going to stick with you, then I would have left you a long time ago. You know I would never hurt you like that, Bri… I love you.”

He went to place the ring by Brian’s drink, but Brian held up a hand to stop him. “I am so sick of your shit, Zachary.” His voice was venomous. “I wish I had known I was dating the average whore when we first got together. Now I have to bear the shame of admitting that my first boyfriend was a slut.”

“B-Bribri… I-I’m not a-“

“And don’t you fucking dare call me that anymore. That’s special. And what we have, it’s not. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you the way you wanted. If I had known all you wanted was to be someone’s bitch, I would have treated you differently.”

Tears filled Zacky’s eyes, and he whispered, “B-Bri?”

“How many did you have, Zacky? Just one? Or were you whoring yourself around to anyone with a dick?” he snorted, “Never mind, don’t answer that. God, you disgust me, Baker. You’re probably carrying the entire encyclopedia of STD’s.  Just like the average slut. I’m appalled.”

“B-Brian, stop!” Zacky cried, “I-I didn’t cheat on you! I didn’t, I swear to god!”

“Oh, yeah?” Brian turned to face Zacky, and Zacky noticed for the first time all the hurt and pain that was written across his face. “Then why don’t you tell me the truth, then? Why can you admit you’ve been lying, but you can’t tell me what’s really going on? Until you can grow a pair of balls and admit the truth to me, then I have no choice to believe what is so blatantly obvious.” He turned to face the bar again. “Now get out of my goddamn face. And take that stupid ring with you.”

Zacky looked at Brian sadly, and before Brian could do anything about it, Zacky kissed him.

It was a desperate measure, but he wanted Brian to understand. He wanted Brian to accept and love him again. Had Brian stopped loving him? Brian’s hands were on his shoulders, pushing him away, not roughly, but firmly. “Don’t.” Brian whispered. “Don’t do that. Just leave me alone.”

And, with tears streaking down his cheeks, Zacky did.