The Kids Aren't Alright

Chapter 16: Jasper

I close the door and trudge back into the cabin. I'm getting way too hot underneath my blanket robe, so I throw the whole thing back onto my bed. I must have looked so ridiculous. The counselor probably thought I was wasting his time playing dress-up as the Wizard of Oz.

Levi's still asleep, so I throw open the curtains to let some of the morning sunlight shine into the cabin. He grumbles wordlessly and curls up deeper inside his horde of blankets.

"It's time to go to breakfast, Levi."

"Eff off."

"If you don't get ready now you're going to miss your morning activities."

"I said, eff off!"

I pick up one of his pillows and throw it at his face. It glances off and lands on the floor.

"You'll get a mark if you skip your activities. Stop being difficult and wake up."

"Out, damned spot! Out, I say!"

Oh, joy. More Macbeth. I'm feeling healed already.

"Levi, please. You're going to miss breakfast."

"Not hungry. Shut up and let me sleep."

So I do. And when I start to feel guilty about letting Levi sleep in and miss breakfast, I just remind myself that he's not my responsibility— and that if I learned anything by being sent to this camp, it's that when I try to help people I only end up hurting them and myself in the process.

Levi sleeps. I get dressed.

The one upside to my roommate being soundly asleep is that I can finally change like a normal person, instead of having to crouch behind the bed like I did yesterday. (Levi didn't even question my behavior— he already thinks I'm weird, so I bet he assumed that it was just another quirk of mine.) I tug off my Canucks shirt and replace it with one of the blue camp tees that we're required to wear, and then, after double-checking that Levi is still asleep, I slip into my fleece-lined joggers and pull on a pair of wool socks and my sneakers.

"Jasper?"

My heart stops. "Uh, what is it?" I ask, in a strangled voice. Levi couldn't have seen. He couldn't have— I checked to make sure he was asleep, I checked. But what if he saw— what if he saw—

"Can you grab me some OJ and a bagel at breakfast?"

A relieved sigh escapes my throat. I close my eyes for a brief moment before replying, letting all the excess adrenaline drain out of my body as if I pulled an imaginary plug. "Sure. I'll do that."

"Good man." Levi draws the curtains shut and pulls the blankets back over his head. "See you later, Jasper."

"Later," I say, a bit breathlessly.

I yank my hoodie on over my head and shuffle out the door. I keep my head down, hands jammed in my pockets. Even though it's obvious Levi didn't see anything I didn't want him to see, my heart is still racing a mile a minute in my chest. Fear. One of my constant companions. Fear and secrecy, that's all I am. God, how pathetic am I— I can't even get dressed without having an anxiety attack.

I limp down the forest trail, kicking up dirt as I go. Secrets. I can already tell that this camp is overflowing with them, but that doesn't mean that mine is safe from discovery. I'm going to be a lot more careful if I want to keep people from figuring me out— a lot.

No more slip-ups. No more mistakes.

My first activity is called "Sharing Circle" and is at eight o'clock in Tustumena Cabin. I'm one of the first campers to arrive, probably because I get there fifteen minutes early just to be on the safe side. The cabin is pretty sparse inside, nothing more than a single room and a dozen or so folding chairs arranged in a circle. There's a few cheesy inspirational posters hanging on the walls ("Determination will get you anywhere!" one very enthusiastic basketball player claims, while a tiny kitten hanging from a branch cries, "Hang in there!") but looking at them doesn't inspire me in the slightest. The posters just look old and sad, and they make me feel old and sad, too.