Pay the Sun

Nine

My parents leave on a trip to San Diego on July 27th. They come back August 3, so I have an entire week of having the house to myself. I don't have a party like I had thought about having in June. Instead, Robin stays at my house with me. His parents even think it's a good idea since that way, neither of us will be alone. Robin's parents are nice; they care.

For the first couple days, we spend most of the time having a movie marathon of Pirates of the Caribbean and any other movie that catches our interest. Robin makes me watch Shutter Island, which is his favorite movie of all time.

Right now we have our movie paused and are cooking dinner, which is frozen food. I put pierogies in the toaster oven and peas and carrots in the microwave. Robin's sitting at the dining table, while I lean against the kitchen cabinets, scrolling around on my phone while the food cooks.

Even though I'm looking down, I know Robin's looking at me, can feel his eyes on me. Part of me is pleased by this, while the other is self conscious. I don't look up, but I can't help but wonder what he's thinking.

"Jules?" Robin asks, eventually.

I glance up, offering a smile. "Yeah?"

"Do you like me?" he questions.

I laugh nervously. "Yeah, why wouldn't I? You're my friend."

Robin smiles, almost as if trying to comfort me. "No, that's not what I meant. You have a crush on me, don't you?"

I choke on the air. I stand there, coughing, while Robin looks at me worriedly.

"Are you okay?" he asks, sounding distressed.

"What?" I croak.

Robin has the decency to give me a sheepish smile. "I might be wrong, but I thought that you might- uh, nevermind."

My heart is beating so fast that I'm worried I might have a panic attack and I haven't had one of those for a long time. That's the only thing that could make this more embarrassing (it's really not, but I can tell myself that). My head is spinning.

"How- um, how-" I splutter.

Robin looks at me patiently.

"Is it obvious?!" I blurt.

Robin smiles again, but this time it's softer. "I'd have to be a complete fucking idiot not to notice, Jules. Even my anxiety has a hard time making excuses for you."

I'm horrified. I'm sure my face is as red as my hair.

"Oh."

Robin's eyebrows furrow. "You look pale."

"I'm always pale," I say weakly.

Robin frowns, watching me closely. An obvious flicker of anxiety crosses his face.

"Well," Robin looks away, "for the record, I have a crush on you, too."

"Really?"

Robin nods.

"Like, as in not a joke? This isn't a joke?"

The microwave timer blares out suddenly and I jump, cursing as I skid forward and mash my fingers against the buttons to get it to stop.

Robin stifles a laugh. "Really."

"Actually?"

A grin splits Robin's face in two. "Actually."

I'm not entirely sure I know what's going on.

"So-" I clear my throat. "So, what does that mean?"

Robin shrugs. "You usually know what to do."

"Oh, I- uh..." I trail off. "You- you're sure you like me?"

Robin nods. "More sure of that than anything."

"Maybe we can, uh, try dating?"

Robin smiles. "I'd like that."

"I would, too," I whisper.

"The food is going to burn," Robin says.

My head jerks toward the toaster oven. "Shit," I say as I grab oven mitts and take out the pierogies. Thankfully, they aren't burned.

I look over at Robin, who's watching my every move. He really likes me like that? And I didn't notice?

I use a fork to dish out the pierogies onto two plates and then do the same with the vegetables. I hand one to Robin, who takes it with a soft, 'thank you.'

We go into the living room and curl back in our spots on the couch. I push the peas around with my fork, distracted.

"You'd really want to date me?"

Robin nods. "Yeah."

I nod, too. "I feel like I'm going to faint."

I really do. I feel out of breath, an uncomfortable verge of having a panic attack feeling. That worried look crosses Robin's face again.

"Don't do that," he says.

"I'm trying not to."

Robin's lips twitch into a smile. "You're stressing."

"Um, yeah. You're not?"

"No. You make me at ease."

My chest tightens even further. "Oh."

Robin stabs a chunk of carrot with his fork. "Everything's fine, Jules. Nothing to worry about," he says before shoving the food into his mouth.

"Who knew you were the brave one?" I chuckle.

Robin shakes his head. "That's debatable."

Both of us smile at each other. Robin fiddles with the end of his shirt.

"Maybe we can think on this for a couple days or something?" Robin asks tentatively.

I nod. "Yeah, that's a good idea."

Robin unpauses the movie and we continue watching while we eat. I watch Robin more than the actual film, that is until he bats my arm and tells me to pay attention because we're 'getting to the good part'. Even still, I can barely find it in me to focus on the movie. How can I focus on anything when I now know that my crush is reciprocated and that he would consider something more serious? Why focus on a movie when I can think about how lovely Robin is? Why watch a movie when I can wonder if he's just as distracted as I am?

I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stitched back in.

For the most part, neither of us mention the possibility of being in a romantic relationship for a couple more days. For me, the answer becomes clear. I desperately long to be in a relationship with Robin.

I want to hug him all the time, to kiss him, to hold his hand. I want to do things to him that will never leave the bedroom. I want to tell him I love him, tell him how beautiful he is. I want to tell him about every wonderful part of him. I want to take him on cute and romantic dates and buy him gifts and do nice things for him. I want to be his safe person, the person he can always talk to and come to, the person who's always there for him whenever he needs me.

I want him to love me, to want me, to take me apart and put me back together again. I want him to give me everything he has to offer: the good, the bad, and all that's inbetween.

I'm afraid he doesn't want this as badly as I do. For someone who claims to read him well, I sure don't know what he wants from me.