Pieces of Me

Park Jimin

5 years ago

2017

When I turned 19 I thought I'd feel like a man, but all I felt was the same. I felt exactly how I'd felt all the 19 years prior except this time I was a little more than legal. I expected this giant change from before because that's what life's about.

Right?

Life's about changing and growing at least that's what I've been told, but for me I've been merely existing. Existing in this life not really changing or growing. My favorite color is still blue from when I was 9, and I still enjoy the cat videos on YouTube from when I was 15.  I guess you can say I hoped for this massive change in my life once I finally moved out and attended college; hoping I'd feel like a like a grown man, but it's been a year and the only thing I feel is fatigued from my course load. Majoring in Dance and minoring in Business Economics can do that to a person.

And besides the knowledge I've acquired through my course work I stand by my earlier acquisition that I haven't changed all that much. This discovery has me yearning for a pint of ice cream, actually. I'm 19 and still pretty similar the person I was at 15, and this notion disturbed me to the core. I've watch all my friends grow and mature every year while I'm at a stand still. Not going forward not going back just very fucking still. Thinking about it, I almost feel frozen in time, for my life just passes me by and I just stand frozen; day in and day out doing the exact same thing. Since I was 9 I've woken up trained for dance, went to school, did homework, trained some more, and than finally went to bed. Than on weekends I'd train some more, get ahead on homework, than hang out with a few friends. I've never deviated even when sick, but now this routine makes me feel suffocated. It makes me feel like I'll never fully love life if I continue to just be the same old Park Jimin everyone expects me to be.

So you could say my friends were quite shocked when I inquired that we go to a strip club on a Thursday night rather than attend my late night training session. I've always wanted to know what it was like to go to a place like THAT..

A place so...

Sooo...

Vulgar.

Seeing naked men and women dance on poles and achieve the level of sexiness I've always envied about other dancers. Even when I tried to be that way I always get,

"Jimin you're so cute,"

"Awwwe Jimin you're adorable,"

and don't get me wrong I love being those things but I would love to be able to be sexy too. Taehyung says when I loose my virginity I'll be able to access my sexiness, but just the thought of something up my ass scares the shit out of me. How does something big and thick fit up my tiny pink hole? I could barely fit a finger up there before I wanted to cry let alone something the size of a cock. What makes this even worse is that my hands are pubescent, like I could buys toddler gloves and they'd fit perfectly. So yeah, sex and sexiness is not something I want to take part in myself, but I'd love to see it live and done by others. What can I say, I'm a curious Mochi. I want more experiences that are out of my comfort zone and I want to do it before I lose my courage... cause at the moment it's a little late to lose said courage. As the car pulls up in front of  Temptation.

Temptation is the hottest strip club in New York, for its know to have the sexiest dancers and the best customer service. From what I've heard people come here and blow thousands on dancers because they tempt you into wanting more than just one dance. Hence the name, which is very fitting. Exiting the Uber with Tae and Jin I start to feel anxiety as we stand in-front of large black doors where the line seems to wrap around the corner going towards the light post.

Fuck.

"Guys I don't think we're getting in here tonight," I utter in complete shock of how popular this place was on a Thursday night. Like it's a fucking school night and if I wasn't trying to rebel I'd be fucking sleep. So why the hell are all these people here?

"This is normal Jimin," Tae laughs "People are always here, and honestly it's not even that bad, we should just be glad we didn't come on a Saturday night," he sighs grabbing my hand dragging me toward the back of the line.  Stumbling over my own two feet trying to follow Tae and Jin's long strides I look in awe at the structure of the building.

It seems to be about three floors with see through windows on the second and third floor. From the bottom all you can see is the shadows of dancers lit against the window in various neon colors. Male dancers thrusting in yellow, female dancers shaking in blue, and pole dancers showing off their flexibility in pink. It was the definition of utter temptation
being able to see but not enough to be satisfied.

"- JIMIN," Jin yells jerking me out of my awe struck state. "Where's your head at right now? I've been talking to you and you just keep staring at the side of the building like it contains the 8th wonder of the flipping world."

"He's just awestruck Jin," Tae chuckles, laughing at me for the second time tonight " he's not like us remember," emphasizing a "duh" tone while running his long fingers through my hair. "Our baby is growing up into a young man Jin, be sensitive towards his process," he says playfully shoving Jin's shoulder.

Snorting at Taehyung's antics Jin quickly pulled me from Tae's grip and into his arms. "I just want to make sure you really want to do this Jiminie and not feel forced to do this because Tae and I party a lot," whispering into my hair while rubbing my back.

Gently rolling my eyes I push him away slightly, so I can see his face.

"Jinnie".

"While I appreciate your concern I really want to do this and I want to do this for me." fixing my hands at the the ends of my sweater trying to articulate correctly what i wanted,  "Yes, I'll admit I'm a little scared but I'm excited too because I've never done something like this. I don't party or drink. But I'm 19 now and I wanna at least say I tried something different at least once before I go back to my everyday routine." I whisper, still in Jin's hold, and to other around we must look like a couple having an intimate conversation, but to us it's just how our friendship developed.

"Alrighty Jiminie whatever you want." he says patting my head softly.