Six degrees of separation ~

Second.

“What’s gonna kill you is the second part…

 

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“Maybe this distance will kill us both.”

I woke up with my arms reaching for the ceiling. It has been forever since I dreamed of Tessa saying those last words. I glanced at my clock, 4:30am. It had always been that way, so it doesn’t surprise me. But inch by inch, having her irresistible face stuck in my mind, kills me inside.

I'm not sure what to do anymore…

I’ve undergone counseling.

I’ve undergone mental therapy.

I tried my best to start a new life…

I tried different hobbies.

I spent hours writing music, but it just makes me remember her more.

And I'm not sure what to do anymore…

Even though I kept myself busy by doing random stuff, it all ends up finding my heart longing for her.

In every morning I wake up to, I felt tears that escaped my eye because I was dreaming about us… About everything that we could be; thinking that if she didn’t give up on us, our story would be the greatest.

And I'm not sure what to do anymore…

I would willingly give in to love’s kiss of death, but fate won’t let me.

I tried killing myself, but life demands me to feel the pain.

I brought this to myself… I loved her too much that nothing remained when she left.

My friends tried to talk to me and advised me that she’s just another girl…that maybe I thought she was already the one but she isn’t…that my true princess is still somewhere out there waiting for me to make a move.

But seems like all these stuff escape my mind. The only thing I can hear was her voice, singing her own compositions. Her voice that I heard when we spent our last summer together. Missing her so badly kills me every single fucking moment.

I miss the cascade of emerald rays in her eyes, and how her eyes close whenever I kiss her. I miss the way she treats me so tenderly. I miss how her heart beats whenever I hold her. I miss how she thinks of me without being told to. I miss the way her touch is always heavenly. But most of all, I miss how she used to make me feel.

I thought she loved me the way I love her. But it turns out I’m the only one holding still.

And now, I don’t know what to do anymore…  All I know is that I can't handle all this shit any longer.

My visions were blurry and I could feel my knees running wobbly.

I came to the kitchen and attracted by the gleam of the blade of the knife next to the sink.

My hands heat up and I feel my stomach lurched.

I grabbed it and leveled it to my neck for an easy-shot kill.

I closed my eyes tightly, preparing myself for the consequences of my actions.

I was about to do it, until I heard a woman let out a high-pitched shriek.

It was my mom. It’s the first time she visited me since I joined the band and abandoned my engineering course.

My grip on the knife loosened as it trampled back to the sink.

My mom and I quickly ran towards each other and she welcomed me to the warmth of her hug; it always felt like home.

When I calmed my nerves down, we sat on the couch and she forced me to tell her everything… everything I’ve been up to since I rebelled against them and left home…including the heart ache I’m feeling right now.

She pats me on the back, and sighed. I could see a ghost of smile carved on her ever young-looking face. “When you were even a child, I can see you’re really manipulative. You always wanted to control things around you. You always get what you want. You want to be in a band, and now you have one. You want to leave us, you left”—she paused for a while—“But sometimes, there are just things in life you can't control. You can’t control what fate gives you, whether if it’s good for you or not. You can’t choose whether you’ll get hurt or not.” My eyes welled up and I can’t quit crying. Maybe up to now, I’m still a cry-baby, or maybe I’m just overwhelmed that my mom is still here despite all the bullshits I gave her.

“You can’t foist yourself to forget her; she’s a part of you now, your past. She’ll always be a part of you, and that is a fact you can never change. There are things that were meant for us to forget, there are things that are not. You can reminisce all the moments you spent together but don’t let these hurt you. Think of all the happenings as a lesson, to make your heart tougher. Not all people will love you back, the same as you do. It’s not the kiss of pain that love gives you. But it’s the gist of reality. You can’t blame life for being unfair, because it is unfair to everyone.” I burrowed my face inside her hug, still crying.

I've decided to close this chapter in my life and start a new page in the next. But I still can't because I'm too selfish to really let go.

And, in future, I'm hoping that she'll fall apart like how I did.