THE ALPHA'S TOY

Chapter 16 : dealing with new found insecurities 101

You remember how I said my consciousness would sometimes get replaced by dumb Alexa?

Believe it or not, she's not just a pathetic attempt at self-deprecating humor. She's real. You have her too. She's the inner part of your brain called the Limbic System. The lizard brain.

I  hate her. Because she's everything a modern civilized human should know how to control. However, she does take over sometimes, involuntarily and at the worst moments.

Don't get me wrong, if I find myself in the woods, facing a bear, she would react and  Usain Bolt for her life like I never would imagine possible. That I applaud.

But simultaneously, how many times have you hit the snooze button on your alarm? How many times have you procrastinated? How many times have you binged at night? That's her too!

Sneaky bitch seeks instant gratification. She wants you to survive, thrive and fornicate, but she kind of really sucks at picking how those things should be done.

Every weakness moment I've had against Alexander, that was her being like "We want him to approve of us!" and thus, I let him get away with doing the same things that would make me want to slit Markus's throat.

Shallowness!

I used to have control over her but now she's out on the loose.

Welcome to teenage years!

Once back ashore, I found a car waiting for me. Alexander stayed in the yacht for some reason and I hoped it'd hit an iceberg and titanic in the middle of the ocean.

The driver stopped at his house so I could grab Simba, change into the sweatpants and white shirt I wore that morning since they threw my clothes out. I wasn't going back to Aunt Marie's in that skimpy dress.

The god forsaken horrendous dress that caused all this.

Look, I have traded through some mighty thin ice that night but thankfully, smart Alexa made a little guest appearance and saved me. I caught myself last minute by the thin hairs on my ass and am now getting back up. I'll be honest, it's not graceful at all, it's like Bambi learning how to walk for the first time but instead of the cute animated deer, it's a greasy wet shaven lama.

If you don't hate dumb Alexa yet, if you already know about that stupid lizard brain and think it's fine, it's nature, it's how we are wired to behave as humans, let me add one little detail: she's responsible for anxiety too.

Insecurities? That's her!

Addictive behavior? Let me put it this way, if Alexander were to turn into the "Forbidden fruit", it would make dumb Alexa CRAVE him.

So there you go.

It's fine! We can handle her like the smart strategists that we know we can be!

We can't cut him off our life or put police tape around him like he's a no-cross crime scene. Have you ever tried forgetting an ex by blocking his number and burning his belongings while you still liked him?

How well does that work, huh?...Didn't think so.

I don't want him off my life, I just want him powerless over my emotions. Serving no threat. That's a realistic enough goal.

How do we do that?

Baby steps.

We need to slowly teach ourselves to be numb to his existence. He needs to blend in the high school crowd with all the other faceless people I don't care about. We need to care a lot about his flaws because right now, he seems almost perfect to me and any negative aspects about him get blurred out immediately.