Guilty Pleasure Oneshots

100 Year Old Virgin

At some point in life, you'd think, I have to get laid. But that isn't the case for the all righteous Captain America. Case in point; that man is a hundred year old virgin, like what the fuck? You have all the good looks, all the chivalry, and yet you don't exploit it? What a pussy.

But who am I to judge? I'm Wanda Wilson of all people, goddamn Lady Deadpool. But hey, I don't spread my legs to anyone, fuck the comics, the bigots who wrote me are people who were all coked up. So, I'm not sticking to the comic book definition of me, I'm Lady Deadpool after all.

Unfortunately, being Lady Deadpool and all has its downsides, like S.H.I.E.L.D. being on my ass all the time I break a rule on the accords. No, not that, gross.

Which unfortunately, is right now, so I have to fucking go. "I just wanted a fucking taco," I found myself saying as I ran for my fucking life. No, literally. They were sniping me left and right. "Just great," I sighed, getting sniped right in the forehead and in the nape, I staggered and fell down. Fucks sake who did they hire to snipe me? Darius Kincaid or some shit?

"Sorry about that, S.H.I.E.L.D is strict with the accords," A man dressed in a red, white and blue suit dropped in, Steve Rogers. I chuckled and laid my face on the ground, "Captain America, of course, please tell me a lesson about how the accords matter," The ground slightly muffled my voice. "What are you in trouble of this time?" Steve sighed and gently picked me up.

"I bought a taco after I finished my mission," I mumbled flatly. Steve chuckled and pulled the bullet out of my forehead and my nape, "Didn't the accords specifically say to be debriefed first after a mission?" He shook his head and walked to the nearby quinjet, "I know you're all about rebellion and edginess, but follow the rules sometimes, it'll keep you from situations like this," Steve shook his head.

"Actually, I don't mind this at all, thank you," I chuckled, gently booping his nose. "Well I do, I hate seeing my friends get hurt," Steve sighed.

"Aw, you were always such a softie," I gently snuggle against him, I let out a hearty laugh as I felt him stiffen up. How about that? A dork and a hunk.

"So, how are you and Sharon?" I tilted my head, my smile turning into a pout as he had a sad expression in his face, "I don't know, Wanda. After the Endgame Mission, she and I had to take a break, I was too caught up on saving the world, that I didn't give enough time for her..." Steve sighed.

"I call bullshit," I retort as he furrowed his eyebrows, "She shouldn't be angry, from day one, she knew what she was getting into," I sighed.

"I guess you're kind of right..." He smiled faintly, "Though, I still feel guilty-" Steve was cut off by Barton, "I don't mean to cut in your overly friendly chat but, we're here," The agent interjected. Oh geez, time does pass by quickly when you're talking to someone. "How long 'till you fully heal?" Steve stood up, still carrying my limp body. "Probably half an hour, or less, I won't be able to walk before then" I shrugged.

Steve sighed, and walked in the tower, "Y'know, sometimes I think they're too hard on you," he said as I let out a chuckle, "You think?" I asked sarcastically.

He made his way to my room, "I don't think I've been to your room before actually," he chuckled and entered. Tada, welcome to the realm known as my room.

The room was slightly well organised, with a few ninja stars lying around the ground, it had a red and pink theme to it, with the bedsheets being pink, the curtains being red and the carpet being scarlet, with a maple wood bedside drawer, a walk in closet- which is for the weapons, duh. And a regular closet and surprisingly no makeup table.