2018 Writing Scrapbook

The Secondary Character

Note: This is a Christmas present for my friend Lainey. It is a spoof off of the "SAO in Five Minutes" video on YouTube by Gigguk.

Clyde Sao worked in a coffee shop. It was known by many that this coffee shop didn't simply sell coffee, though. It also sold soda and a variety of other drinks. This was not an important fact in the grand scheme of things, but Clyde still liked to point this out. You see, Clyde was proud. Proud of his hair, which stuck up in every direction in shades of crimson, proud of his headband, proud of his bright personality and his work ethic. Proud of even the coffee and soda within this shop.

Unfortunately, there was always a fellow colleague who always showed Clyde up. His name was Kaz Kirigaya. Kaz had been welcoming at first. He'd showed Clyde how to whip up a frappuccino and how to enjoy the work at the shop, but it became quite evident that he was a loner. With jet black hair, he always waved it shaggily across the pale flesh of his forehead and wore dark clothing to match. His mouth never moved. He was mute, it seemed.

But there was a sharpness to him. A brilliance behind the gothic attire. He was the best employee by far and adored to prove it to everybody. Clyde would chime in, try to help, but Kaz deemed himself the "Black Swordsman" of the coffee world.

"You know, what if this coffee shop were like a story? Do you think that we could be good friends in this story?" Clyde asked him one day.

"What do you mean? Us in a story? I'd totally be the hero."

"Well what about me?"

"You could be the comedic sidekick," Kaz snickered.

"Actually, I think I could be an interesting character."

"Shut up, Clyde! Come back when you're a main character!"

Clyde was hurt. So he ignored Kaz. He watched as every girl they met swooned over Kaz. He had a cool air to him, and a killer smolder. One day, he heard a group of girls giggling at the table. He walked over and asked them, "What's all the ruckus about, ladies?"

They stared at him blankly for a minute before one began to blush. "Well... Sarah was just saying how she wanted Kaz's babies," she pointed at Kaz behind the cash register.

Clyde came up with an idea. To draw Kaz away from these women, he would simply act as a wingman towards him! He walked back over to him and told Kaz his plan.

"Ah, I suppose that I could find a generic love interest for that little story of yours," he agreed.

"How about that one?" Clyde pointed to a girl with black hair and curls at the front of her head. She had a sweet disposition, but she walked away before they had a chance to speak to her.

"How about that one?" he pointed to another with brown pigtails.

"She's like twelve," he scoffed.

"How about that one?" a girl with bright pink hair and a lovely smile painted on her face.

"She's more useless than a hedgehog in a condom factory!"

"Fine. What about Tits McGee over there?" he caught a beautiful girl with long golden hair watching Kaz. "She's a regular customer and all."

Kaz casually strode over to her. "Well, little lady-" he began, and she grew nervous.

"Hey, it's not like I like you or anything you idiot!"

"Perfect," he whispered. "So you want to get married?"

"Okay."

"You want to have sex?"

"Okay."

Kaz returned from his honeymoon a few days later, with a honey-haired bride on his arm. "We bought a cabin near the edge of the mountains. It has a lovely walking path through the woods that leads down to the lake. Funny that we could find housing on such short notice!"

Clyde was dumbfounded by how Kaz managed to charm everybody so quickly, so easily! What did Kaz have that he didn't? He believed that his marriage would help solve the issue with women, but they still flocked to him. Even when Kaz told him after a few months, "She asked if we can have children now!"

"What did you say to her?"

"God I hope not. But she's pregnant, so it's no use. I promised her I'd feed it properly and take it for walks."

Clyde shook his head. But then Kaz demonstrated a new ability within the shop that he'd never noticed- the ability to serve two customers at once. "I call it dual wielding," Kaz told him.

"How is that fair?"

"Shut up, Clyde. Come back when you're a main character."

Months passed, even years. Then one day Kaz asked him, "So why do you hate me so much anyway?"

"Pffffft, I dunno."

"Seems legit."

Clyde realized Kaz's stupidity and lived a pointless life, so they all lived happily ever after.