Oxford Comma [BOYXBOY] (Hiatus)

XIV.

I kissed Gemmy.

No, your sister kissed me. Your sister kissed me...but I kissed back. Or at least, I let her kiss me. I didn't stop her.

We kissed. I am to blame for this as much as she is. But there are no consequences for her, because she doesn't know that you and I are together.

Are we together? We haven't really talked about 'what we are' yet. Is it a bad time to bring that up?

I'm going crazy.

It's been one day. One day since Gemmy and I kissed. I'm not supposed to be meeting up with Noah until tomorrow, but Gemmy won't stop texting and trying to make plans with me, and I can't bring myself to go back over to the house. My bedroom feels so small, despite it being almost the length of the whole house, up in the attic. From my window, I can see our drive, and I watch as Noah's little car pulls up and parks just outside one of our garages.

I've been practising in the mirror what I want to say, but it always comes out wrong. No matter how I say it, Noah is hurt. But he doesn't cry, I don't think I've ever seen him cry. But even though I haven't, I've decided I never want to see it. It will break me. It will kill me.

It's March; this year has started so quickly. I feel like I have done nothing with it. I haven't. WiFi still switched off, still very minimal communication with the boys. Scott's visit keeps getting postponed; this time because Parker's parents invited him to stay at their home in the US for a few weeks. He told me he's writing music, music that he's pretty proud of.

What do I have? A relationship with two people I don't understand. That's all I have to show for my time away. Luke's out of rehab, Demi's enjoying the quiet life, Scottie is travelling the world with the love of his life.

What am I doing? What do I want?

I can't hear the back kitchen door knock from up here, but I pad down the two staircases anyway in just my socks and let Noah in.

"Hey, I got your text." He smiles, his tie pulled loose, his suit's blazer left in the car. "My shoes are killing me, can I just...?" He doesn't need an answer, and practically kicks them off as they go flying into the umbrella stand. "It's been a day." And then he pulls me in close, pressing his whole body against mine. "I know we aren't meeting until tomorrow but honestly I was relieved to get your message. Work is....work." Noah rests his head on my shoulder, and it feels like the weight of so much more than just his head. I feel sick.

"Are your parents in?"

"No, it's just us."

Noah drops his backpack on the floor and sidles up to me again, only this time there's a smirk on his face. "Oh? So that's why you wanted me over? I can't say I'd ever decline an offer like that." His hands are in my hair before I can explain, his lips hungrily finding mine. It's hard not to resist him, I feel my body melt, my toes curling at when he moves from my mouth and down to my neck, and I indulge just a little bit longer before he starts unbuttoning his shirt.

"Actually," I press my hand over his hand. "I was hoping we could just...talk?"

"Oh, of course. We can talk. Yeah. About anything in particular? Or just....umm..." I can tell he's a little disappointed, and I have to laugh at him trying to cover it up, but I can feel this conversation looming at my back, pushing me closer and closer. I could just forget about it for now and enjoy his company for the evening, I could so easily.

But it's eating me alive.

I step back from him. My eyes feel so heavy. His little face when he sees me looking the way I look; unsure, insecure, it tears me up inside.

"Oliver? Hey, what's going on? Have I done something? I know I'm not very talkative sometimes. I mean it's just I've got a lot on and my dad...."

"No, it's absolutely not you. It's me, I just... I spoil everything. It's my fault. I....I kissed Gemmy. I mean....Gemmy and I kissed. We kissed. She was there in the kitchen and she's lonely, I can feel it and she made a move on me and I thought if I didn't reciprocate then she wouldn't understand and you said you didn't want her to find out about us because it'll hurt her and we don't want to hurt her I really don't want to hurt her but I didn't plan on that happening but it did? And now you're not saying anything and I know I'm a bad person but I can't stand other people being upset because of me." I only stop because I run out of breath, but Noah still says nothing until,

"I'm only not saying anything because you won't stop saying things."

"I've stopped now."

"Hmm." Noah looks at the kitchen floor, his toe following the grooves in the tiles. He rubs his face. "I don't really know how to feel. I mean, I'm not thrilled. I kind of wish that we were having sex like I assumed we would be when I got your text, but this is fun too. I appreciate you telling me... I guess."

Jesus, he's the opposite of me in every way. I can see the book snap shut, feel him close up.

"I don't know what to do, Noah. I don't...I don't feel that way..."

"Ok. Ok I guess that's a good start." He rubs his face again. His eyes don't water, but it feels like there are pricks in mine. Noah looks back at me finally, and when he sees me crying, he moves slowly back over to me. I'd noticed the wide gap he'd put between us, but he mustn't have seen it himself until now. "You're not a bad person, Oliver."

"Huh?"

"You said you're a bad person. You're not. You're just a good person who makes bad decisions."

I nod. That's me all over.

"Gemmy's not in a good place right now. I think it's good that we stay close to her. Maybe don't kiss her again, though? I'd really appreciate that. And maybe...I don't know, Oliver."

"So, you're fine with it? You're not upset?"

Noah shakes his head. "You know I never forget how loving you are. You love everyone, and everyone loves you. Maybe you just don't have enough of an outlet; maybe you need to interact with your fans again....maybe just me isn't enough?"

My heart drops. "Why would you say something like that? Do you really feel like that?"

His fingers find mine, and he plays with them gently. "It's not like you're my boyfriend, right?"

My face feels so hot. He's just saying these things to make it easier for him. I know that. I hurt him, and so he's pulling away. I grab his face in my hands, and kiss him hard on the lips. Maybe a bit too hard, but it doesn't really matter. I think I get my point across.

"You may not be. But if you wanted to be, I know what my answer would be. In a heartbeat. You are enough for me. You know, I think, someday, I could give it all up, and just have you. But I guess it's something I have to work on."

"You need to learn to turn the tap off." Noah says quietly.

"The what?"

"The love tap. You let so much out and you don't save enough for yourself. You can't figure out what you want."

Despite the seriousness of what he's just said, we still both laugh. The love tap.

Noah takes a deep breath and uses his thumb to wipe the tear streaks from my face. He brings me into a hug again, squeezing me tightly. "When you figure out how to do that, let me know, Ok? For now, we'll just keep it slow." I nod, drinking him in.

Later, after Noah's slipped back on his shoes and gone home, I see that I have a text from Gemmy. Wait, not one, but six. I roll my eyes and read what is basically her thinking out loud. She's talking about things to gift her mother and father for their anniversary, about how we should go into town together. I text back that I can't do that, but she argues about wearing a hat and sunglasses or going early morning on a weekday. I think about when the hiatus will be over, when management will be back on my case and following me around everywhere I go.

This will be the last time without that, and Gemmy sounds excited.

I text back. Sounds fun!