Oxford Comma [BOYXBOY] (Hiatus)

VIII.

I already have a headache.

It pulses just above my left eye, threatening to burst out of my skull and manifest into something that I can't quite imagine as a malleable thing. I just know it would make everyone squint and want to crawl into a dark, quiet hole.

Gemmy has managed to dangle exposed light bulbs from the beams of the converted barn on the Sargent's land to create an illusion of lights floating effortlessly above our heads like fireflies. Strange, considering it's the middle of winter and we're at a Christmas party, but Gemmy likes to make us feel like we can enjoy all the seasons simultaneously. There are long wooden tables in the barn with accompanying benches, and on the tables lie beautifully placed towers of frosty looking cupcakes. In the corners of the barn are tartan blankets for people to wrap themselves around despite the large heat lamps and the clusters of body heat doing that for us. 

I've been wandering inside the barn for a good hour, wanting to stay in this more casual part of the party. I know that Gemmy waits for me in the grand dining hall of their mansion just across the way, glowing lights in each every window bar one. 

She's waiting because she wants to dance with me, to make everyone hush as I play the piano that she managed to place in the centre of the hall alongside a real Christmas tree that almost touches the ceiling, far higher than this one in the barn. I like the barn; I've noticed that most people here are much older than me and don't know who I am. 

But deep down, I know who I'm really avoiding.

It's consumed every thought since picking Gemmy up in Oxford city centre a few weeks ago. Noah and I have barely spoken, barely even seen each other. I've been chained to my piano, practicing Chopin and nervously laughing at Gemmy's remarks about joining her for a slow dance. Purple Envy never danced on a stage unless it was Luke mucking about. Me and Candice never found a moment together where we could dance. So while I'm going to be performing a song at some point, the thought that I might have to dance at some point gives me shivers that not even the heat lamps can diminish.

But I close my eyes every time I feel the music I'm playing, and I see Noah in the dark shadows of the car, leaning in close, his fingers grazing my chin ever so slightly and not knowing if it was actually his fingers or just a soft breeze coming from the crack in the car window. My eyes always fling open at the sound of the passenger door slamming shut in my head, breaking apart whatever was going to happen between me and Noah.

All I know is that I wanted it, so badly.

My phone buzzes in my suit pocket. I haven't really talked to anyone at this party, what with not knowing anyone and not really being in the mood to get to know them. When I see the text is from Gemmy, bile rises in my throat. I don't think I can do this, but I promised her. So I push my legs forward across the torch lit pathways created in the field, back to the house.

.....

The lights in the grand dining hall are bright. 

One giant chandelier, and about a million sconces fixed to the wall. It's practically day time in here, save for the clear night sky through the giant, ancient windows. The hall, filled with people in elegant dresses and tuxedos, looking beautiful and wealthy, all go quiet when they see me walk in alone. It's not silent, that would have been strange, but the excitement buzzing in the room is but a dull murmur as Gemmy giddily skips over to me wearing a pastel pink dress that shows off her shoulders. She grips me tight by the arm, smiling down at me now that she's got the highest heels I've ever seen on, and walks me over to the piano.

I don't really remember the rest.

I don't remember feeling my arse hitting the piano stool, or clearing my throat (despite not uttering a word), nor do I remember touching the piano keys or hearing sound come out of said piano. I just remember right before it all, when I saw Noah in the large, open door way I was facing, leaning against the door frame, a champagne flute in one hand and the other in his pocket. He stared right at me the whole time I played, that is, if I played at all. 

It's over, and the whole hall is clapping and cheering, some even asking for another. I can't bare to think of the comments people might be uttering to each other. "Why the Hell did he waste his time with a boy band when he could have been playing with an orchestra?" But I don't let them bother me, I've heard it all and quite frankly, I wouldn't give Purple Envy up for the world.

I stand, adjust my tie slightly, waiting for the crowd to stop clapping and continue with the party, the music from a band in the corner finally picking up for where they left off. But, just before everyone has become completely uninterested in me, Gemmy takes my head in her hands and kisses me full. on. the. lips.

It's way too long, and when her lips part from mine, my eyes dart straight to where Noah should be standing. And he's not.

"I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself." Gemmy breathes, taking my hand in hers. "I've had...a bit to drink and-..." 

"It's OK." And I see a glint in her eye that I know she thinks I mean 'it's ok' as in 'I liked it' and not 'I understand that you fucked up', but I'm too panicked. Noah saw. He saw. He saw me and Gemmy and I don't know what that means but I also do.

I have to go.

.....

No one notices me leave. Not even Gemmy who got distracted by a group of giggling girls who'd seen our stupidly long kiss. 

But I can't think about that right now. 

I climb two flights of stairs, taking two steps at a time and avoiding couples leaning against the banisters, pressed up against one another. None of them pay me any attention, their cheeks rosy from the heat of the house and the empty bottles of beer around their feet. 

When I eventually find him, it's not where I thought I would.

A balcony, at the end of the hall. It's made of stone, and can just about fit two people on it at the same time. It looks over the outside of the party, where Noah has his back to me, slightly hunched over, a beer bottle balancing on the stone work. A chilly winter air flows through the hall, making the drapes bellow and bring out plumes of old dust. 

I steadily walk closer, careful not to make a sound. I'm still not sure if I want to do this right now, or maybe wait for a better time. But he doesn't let me decide. Despite being silent and despite having his back to me and despite the noise of drinks clinking and snooty laughter from downstairs, Noah looks up to the stars and asks "Do you like her?"

"No." It comes out faster than I mean it to. "I mean, yeah of course I like her. She's a friend...but I don't..."

"It's OK." He sighs. "You're allowed to like people that was just a stupid question."

I reach the door of the balcony, the cold going right through my shirt and I want to withdraw back inside but he's here, and he wants me here. At least I think he does. I stand next to him, pressing my hands against the stone in front of me. Everyone down below looks so small, their voices carrying along the wind. They don't see us, and it's nice.

I feel Noah's hand gently rest on top of mine. 

"I'm sorry I've been avoiding you."

"I hadn't noticed."

He smiles at that, and my heart flutters.

"It's not because of you...or because of me, really." He shifts. "It's Gemmy. She likes you."

I frown. Gemmy, the girl I grew up falling in love with, only to realise what's the point? and moved on, to find that she now likes me, like two narrowly missed atoms who were supposed to collide.

Noah breathes in, and despite what he says, I feel his hand over mine still, and now his index finger gently drawing circles on and around my palm. "I won't hurt her."

We both stare at our hands. "Me either."

I feel warmer when he moves closer, as if he can get any closer. I turn to face him just as his hands move to where Gemmy's had been just moments ago on the sides of my face. 

"But I can't not." And he kisses me.