Dress

My Hands are Shaking from Holding Back from You

Maren opened her eyes, the sunshine coming through the window was stinging them. Her chest still felt a little tight and her head was aching. She knew this feeling all too well, the after effects of panic attacks.

Glancing over across the room there was Brian asleep in a hotel chair. It was all starting to come back to her, he was there with her last night. She didn't know why but for some reason he showed up and sat with her through the whole thing. Her embarrassment only got worse when she realized her shirt was different, did he really change her clothes?
Last she saw of him he was talking to those two girls at the bar, how did he end up in her room last night? For a split second she considered waking him and telling him to climb in the bed, he definitely didn't look comfortable at all.

Her mind then drifted to Jason, the flowers, and most importantly, his note. He missed her? He was sorry? This is all she had wanted to hear from him so why was she not happy? Why did it cause a panic attack? She always thought if something like this had happened, she would be running to the phone to accept his apologize and move on to the life they were always supposed to have together.

As she sat in bed going through all these thoughts, she heard Brian begin to stir. She quickly pulled her covers way up, stupid considering the man changed her shirt last night, but she felt very exposed at the moment. After all he had witnessed her at her weakness moment.

"Hi" She said softly when she noticed his eyes were opened.

"Good morning." He greeted stretching his arms way above his head and cracking his neck a few times. "These things are definitely not for sleeping in." He laughed trying to make light of the situation.

"Brian as much as I appreciate it, you didn't have to stay." She said feeling awkward even making eye contact with the man.

"It was no problem. You seemed pretty upset, I didn't feel right leaving you." He explained.

"Did you Umm...undress me?" She asked timidly.

"The shirt you were wearing was pretty damp. I didn't look...I swear." He smiled.

"Well thank you again." She said now looking down at the comforter. "Guess you wanna know what that was all about."

"I mean I kinda pieced it together when I saw the flowers and card." He responded.

It then suddenly dawned on Maren that the flowers were missing. She looked around the room frantically.

"I had them thrown out." He said as he saw her eyes searching the room.

"You what?!" She exclaimed.

Brian stared at her in disbelief, "They clearly triggered some sort of breakdown, I thought I was doing you a favor."

"You were nice to stay with me all night but Brian, you had no right throwing those away!" She shouted.

"Are you for real right now?!" Brian yelled back, "You literally were having a panic attack! I did you a fucking favor Maren!"

"That would have been for me to decide, not you!" She argued back.

"You're gonna take him back aren't you?" Brian stated with a look of shock.

"I don't know yet." She answered with embarrassment in her voice.

"You are unbelievable." Brian said shaking his head, "This loser walked out on you and hurt you and the second he comes back and says jump, you do it. That is so fucking pathetic!"

Maren was enraged now and she was the type of person when backed into a corner could say some pretty nasty things. "You wanna know what's pathetic?!" She screamed. "The fact that you are in your 40s and have yet to care deeply for anyone. You will spend the rest of your life alone, jumping from one girl to the next. The truth is I feel sorry for you. If trying to see the good in people is pathetic...than fine. I guess I'm pathetic.  But I would rather that over dying alone, any day."

Brian took a step back. He didn't know whether be mad at Maren for saying these things or be mad at himself for actually believing them. He reached into his pocket feeling the crumbled up note that came with the flowers and threw it in her direction, "I refuse to have faith in people that don't deserve it. It you wanna degrade yourself, be my guest." He said coldly then turned on his heels.

Maren bent down to pick up the note, unwrapping it and staring at the words. Deep down she knew she shouldn't give this asshole the time of day but what if he was the love of her life?? She folded it back up and stuck it in with her luggage. For the time being a shower was the only thing on her mind.
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For once Maren was the last one to board the bus. All four Jokers sat waiting for her. Joe was starting to become concerned and just as she reached for her phone to call her, she finally boarded. She looked completely not put together, very unMaren like. Everyone also noticed that her eyes were red and puffy giving them the clue that she had been crying.

"Mar...you okay?" Murray asked immediately.

"I'm fine James." She answered quickly giving her luggage to the driver to place underneath.

Brian had his head down reading his book refusing to look up at her. She knew she had lots of emails to look over but before doing so she made her way to Brian who was still buried in his book pages.

"You and I don't speak for the remainder of this trip, understood?" She said sternly.

Still not looking at her he shook his head, "Wasn't planning on it." He laughed sarcastically.

She looked to the other three Jokers, "I'll be in the back if you need me for some reason."

Once Maren shut the door to the back bedroom, Sal spoke up first, "What was that all about?" He asked.

"You're just gonna take her side, so I'm not even gonna bother getting into it." Brian snapped getting up and heading into his small bunk.