You Saved Me From Myself ~YoonMinSeok~

Chapter 12: Numb

Yoongi finally reached his studio after struggling with entering the passcode, trying to see the numbers through the swelling tears that were building up in his eyes.

He quickly closed his door and threw his back against the nearest wall. Yoongi didn't feel like laying in the couch or sitting on his desk chair.

With his back against the wall, Yoongi then slid down so that his knee was tucked in close, while his other leg way wrapped and pulled in as close to him as possible. Whenever Yoongi feels as if he is having a mental breakdown, he likes to curl up and sit or lay on the floor. It makes him more comfortable in a weird way.

In this position, Yoongi feels safe. He feels more protected and more able to open up to himself. Its almost as if he's using his body to shield his heart from the hurt the outside world offers.

In this position Yoongi allows for the tears to fall.

They pour down in little streams as Yoongi quietly cries to himself, reflecting on what had just happened.

Don't get him wrong, he was grateful for Hoseok. Yoongi understands how kind and caring of a person Hoseok can be, how he genuinely loves and cares for the other members. Hoseok really is a ray of sunshine.

However, it's just that Yoongi's state of mind is now in such a weak and vulnerable place that his demons have come out to take their chance. His mind is plagued with thoughts that are eating away at his sanity. Each day it seems to get worse.

Yoongi's tears soon start to flow out of frustration. This all started because of a mistake he had made.

'Oh my god. Fuck why am I so fricking sad and depressed. This all started from one mistake that my dumbass let escalate into me getting injured and so on. Oh my god, why am I so dumb. Why couldn't I just shake off that one mistake, why do I let myself fall back down again?'

As his thoughts continued so did his tears. His hands were curled into fists as he continued in his self hatred, 'I tried for so freaking long to break out of the sadness, to leave the pain behind and move on. I pursued my passion, found a group of great guys, and now have a promising career. My only hope was that this new future could wash away my past. Why in the hell am I still able to fall back into it again?'

'I don't get it. I hate it so much. It sucks. I hate it. I hate it. Hate what? What else is there to hate? Of course its me. I hate me. I hate how I do stuff that allows me to suffer. I hate that I end up dragging others into my suffering. I hate that I can't find a way out of this hell hole.'

'I hate it all. I hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much...'

Yoongi's thoughts seemed to turn hazy by then. His tears stopped flowing. His body relaxed a little.

He was so emotionally spent that he felt as if everything was covered in fog. Yoongi couldn't think much more. He couldn't find it in him to just get back up and return to life like nothing happened either.

It was at this point Yoongi felt so broken that he had just given up.

He didn't care. He didn't care what happened anymore. His existence meant nothing.

He had felt so much pain in his short existence that he felt his body become numb to it all.

He felt as if some burden had just been released from his shoulders.

Yoongi was still sad and still felt like screaming from all the pain, but it had all built up so much so that he felt numb.

It was almost as if time was at a stand still.

Yoongi felt as if his existence had gone cold, like it all didn't matter anymore.

Yoongi sat there just staring off into the dimly lit space of his studio, unable to think, to feel, just numb.

Yoongi felt almost at peace, because for once, his mind had been so overwhelmed that it just crashed. The thoughts stopped. It was just silence.

Yoongi was in this trance for what felt like ages.

---

However, only about an hour later, knocking could be heard from his studio door.

Yoongi hadn't even realized that he had fallen asleep. It was only a light sleep, allowed by the silencing of the thoughts that kept him awake most nights.

He was about to fall back asleep until he hear the knocking continue.

This is when he slowly started to snap out of his numb state of mind, as he slowly began to get up from his spot on the floor, which was no longer as comfortable as it had originally been.

By the time he was up, the knocking had stopped but he could still see a silhouette of someone standing by his frosted glass door.

"Hey Yoongi-hyung? Are you in here? Jin-hyung is almost done cooking dinner and he said that you have to be there to eat with us." Yoongi hear the voice called out after.

The voice was clear, even toned, and calm. It wasn't like the cute high pitched voices of the maknae line and it didn't seem to radiant bright beams of sunshine like Hoseok's did.

Yoongi smiled a little, recognizing the comforting voice. It was their leader, Namjoon. Leave it to him to be bossed around by their eldest hyung.

Yoongi slowly opened the door and was greeted by the surprised face of their leader. Namjoon hadn't expected Yoongi to open the door so suddenly, but nonetheless, greeted his hyung with a smile.

Yoongi returned the smile and listened to Namjoon as he said, "Well now that you're out of your cave, let's eat some dinner. I'm dying to know what Jin cooked up this time!"

Yoongi chuckled a little and exited the room, and locked the door.

They both began to walk back over to the dorms, with the sounds of Yoongi's crutches in the background and Namjoon's comments about how beautiful the sunset.

"Hyung, we wish you could've been there. Hoseok-hyung and you would've loved the sunset tonight. Colors were so radiant and the atmosphere was just so peaceful. I thought about writing some lyrics inspired by it."

Yoongi smiled and replied, "Ahh, that sound's beautiful, I wish I could've been there. I'm sorry."

"No hyung! Don't be sorry. I'm sure there will be another beautiful you can see someday." Namjoon replied with a reassuring smile.

"Also, if you don't mind me asking, I understand you're an incredibly hard worker, but why were you in your studio when its our time off?"

Yoongi hesitated for a bit, not too sure how to respond.

"Hmm, that's a good question. I just had some stuff to think about."

Namjoon nodded in acknowledgement, as the two just approached their dormitory entrance.

A/N - Oh my goodness. Finally another chapter done. It's currently 4:30am and I have to be up at 6:00 am. I am really going to regret this lack of sleep later. Oh well. I would've regretted it more if I didn't post a new chapter. I am so incredibly sorry for not having posted in so long. It has almost been a month! Life has been getting so crazy and hectic and I am just honestly surprised I am even still alive. I start final exams in a week and then Christmas break in two (I think) so I almost guarantee that I won't be able to post until Christmas break I just wanted to get this one little chapter again before I disappear again. Sorry. Thank you again so much for putting up with me and thank you for reading another chapter of mine and I hoped you enjoyed it.

Until Next Chapter! -

~ X_YamiKawaii_X