YOUTH. | JK | COMPLETE

trying

"Very well." Jeongguk blurts, solely to stop Seokjin from rambling on about his sexual and romantic life, the one that has been virtually nonexistent since Jimin. Seokjin chuckles under his breath at Jeongguk's response.

"Ha. 'Very well,' he said." He mumbles, grinning, and Jeongguk manages half a smile, continuing to lift the bags of coffee into the crate.

•••

It's nearly six o'clock when Jeongguk gets back to his apartment, hands full with bags from the grocery store, enough for dinner for one. He sighs, wasting no time cracking open a banana milk and taking a long drink. Having lost his taste for alcohol, banana milk is his new beverage of choice, a newfangled invention of the more recent years that he particularly appreciates. Turning on the stove, he makes himself a simple stirfry that he's had the recipe for for decades and sits down to eat once its finished. Rather than reading like he normally does, not being a fan of technology, he pulls out his phone, one of the oldest generations of the iPhone that he hasn't bother to upgrade from.

Seokjin's words replay in his mind. "If you won't tell me, find someone yourself. There are plenty of dating apps." Jeongguk wasn't originally a fan of the idea, but the more he thinks about it, the more he thinks of Jimin's last words to him, his dying wish. "Don't give up, my dear. Your soulmate is out there yet, I feel it. You're too precious not to belong to someone, Jeonggukkie."

With trembling hands, Jeongguk navigates to the app store, making various typos as he types "datinf spps" into the search bar. Maybe one of the reasons why he isn't particularly fond of technology is because he is terrible at using it. Despite his dysfunctional typing, multiple choices to use pop up, and he clicks on the first option, not really knowing the difference. Jeongguk downs the rest of his banana milk while he waits for the app to download, and when it does, he stares at it for a few moments before clicking on it. This is the first time he has even tried to move on since Jimin, and it is highly overwhelming, but he knows it is time. He can finally do what Jimin wanted for him to do.

The first thing he sees when the app opens is a screen prompting him to make an account. The first two options on the profile maker are easy, his name, and his gender. His age, he lies about, because, well, who would want to date a Wanderer? He has a little difficulty with deciding which of his jobs to put, ultimately deciding barista would fit best, and he decides to put down reading and drawing as his hobbies. When it prompts him to fill in his sexuality, he chooses bisexual, having felt attracted to both men and women in his life. The final part of the profile, though, thoroughly perplexes him.

"Selfie?" He mumbles aloud, squinting at the screen, pronouncing it as "self eye". He has never once heard of this selfie the app speaks of, and when he clicks on the button next to the foreign word, his front camera pops up, causing him to see his face on the screen. He gasps, eyeing the device in his hands suspiciously. Is he supposed to take a photo of himself? The idea seems absurd, so he uses context clues. The word "self" can be heard in the word, and so can the word "eye." Therefore, Jeongguk decides to take a photo of his eye. He brings the phone closer to him, allowing for only the left side of his face to be seen, and takes a picture of his eye. Shrugging, he bids the photo adequate and clicks the "Save" button.

His screen lights up, congratulating him on creating his profile. Jeongguk cautiously presses the "Get Started" button, and his eyes widen when a photo of a girl with her cleavage on full display pops up on his screen. He yelps and shuts his eyes, tapping the screen until he thinks the picture is gone. The next person that shows is a man with a septum piercing and a snapback, to which Jeongguk raises his eyebrows. The app instructs him that he is supposed to slide left or right depending on whether or not he found the person attractive.

"How insubstantial." Jeongguk mutters to himself, but he follows the intructions anyways, swiping left on the man with the piercing. He does this for about five minutes, tiring of it quickly and swiping left every single time. He sighs, swiping left one last time before deciding he's finished, but the second the next person's photo appears on his screen, he changes his mind.

Her tan skin has a few blemishes, but it still glows. Unlike most people Jeongguk has come across on this app, she strays away from being sultry, opting for a bright, blinding smile that leaves Jeongguk breathless. Her nose crinkles and her dark eyes are almost shut with how big her smile is. Freckles dot her nose and cheek bones. Her short, dark hair is a chaotic mess on her head, but it suits her. Her name is Haneul, the app informs him. He stares at her for a moment, debating which direction to swipe. She isn't someone he knows. She isn't someone he loves. She isn't Jimin, and Jeongguk is terrified of that. But something about her smile gives  Jeongguk's shaking finger the courage to swipe right. He feels wetness on his face, and realizes he's crying.

"I'm trying." Jeongguk murmurs, shutting off his phone and looking up at the ceiling. He shuts his eyes, picturing Jimin's face, his fingers tracing his "J" tattoo. "I'm trying my best, for you." He cries, trying his best to smile, too. Jimin always told him he was his most beautiful when he smiled.

He just hopes Jimin can see it.

edited 05/08/20