always have been, always will be | jensoo

The Words That Fail Me

Jisoo opened the door in her pajamas, peeking out through the crack and looking a little distraught when she spotted my somber face.
"What's wrong?" She appears concerned and steps out onto the porch, with a single glance behind her into the darkened house.

"It's kind of late. Is it okay?" I rasp.

"Of course." She leans against her door, cocking her head, trying to figure me out.

I wrap my arms around myself, hugging tightly. "I needed to see you."

Jisoo looks at the ground, then walks forward, grabbing my arm and letting her hand run the length of it down to my hand, where she lets go. "Come sit with me."

I do, hugging my knees to my chest, and peering at the flowers Jisoo was planting, all in a neat row. Two days ago now feels like a lifetime. I had no idea what they are. "Do you love her, Jichu?"

Jisoo takes a deep breath, thinking about it. I know what I want her to say, but I have no idea what she will. "Yes." She nods slowly. "In a way, yeah."

"In a way?" I can't help but repeat.

"You love everyone in different ways." Jisoo says carefully, but then she just sighs. "You know what I mean?"

"I'm not sure." I say, feeling myself get braver. She looks so vulnerable, the moon makes her skin glow pale, and just now I'm beginning to feel the big, Jisoo-shaped hole in my heart begin to ache. "How did you love me?"

She looks stricken by my question, but then it segues into a soft, genuine smile. "Every way, stupid."

I swallow, heart pounding, and can't think of a thing to say. I look away. I forget everything I came here to say tonight, only replaying her words in my head. I feel like maybe I'm in over my head.

"At dinner tonight, I just had so much fun. I was laughing, a lot, and joking around. Soojin's never seen me like that." Jisoo tells me.

"What, happy?"

"She's never seen me with you. She doesn't know how we are...But she doesn't think we should hang out." Jisoo says glumly, picking at the wooden step she sits on.

My jaw hangs open, and I force myself to close it. "Can she do that?"

"I told her what happened with us. When we were younger." Her words hang in the air. "Well, a slightly edited version."

"And?"

"She feels threatened." Jisoo admits, rolling her eyes slightly, but I can tell it's bothering her. What her girlfriend thinks.

"She should." I try to lighten the mood. "Did you tell her I'm a yellow belt?"

"I'm serious. She can get weird and territorial." Jisoo tells me, nudging me.

"Why? I mean, it's not like I came down here to...steal you away from her, or anything." I say weakly, and Jisoo holds my gaze for a second and looks away. "I've been back in your life for two days."

"It's a lot to compete with." Jisoo says in a low voice. "We've known each other for the better part of twenty years."

"She doesn't trust you?"

"I didn't say that."

"So, what, we can't hang out?"

"Of course we can. I love hanging out with you - I almost forgot how much I missed you." She attempts a smile. "There was a big Jennie-shaped hole in my heart that needed to be filled."

"Well, consider it filled. But you should tell your creepy girlfriend to tone down the jealousy."

"It's just, it's not so ridiculous, is it? For her to think that maybe..."

"That there's still something between us?" This is so not the conversation I came here to have, leagues away from the tender things I wanted to tell her. How I wanted to reassure her that yes, things were the same and always would be until I could make her completely mine, and get reacquainted with lips I haven't felt in more than fifteen years.

"Yeah." She says, almost afraid to look my way. "I know how we left things was bad, and when you came back..."

I'm scared of what she's going to say next. I'm afraid she's going to tell me that I was right, it was too hard for her. Soojin's it for her, and there's no room for me in her life. That my crazy hope was just that, a crazy hope.

I will beat her to the punch, as much as it kills me. And after that, maybe I can still have a little tiny bit of her, like I'm starting to think it was meant to be. It was meant to work out this awful way.

"Listen, if it makes you feel better about hanging around me..." I choose my words carefully, ignoring the constricting feeling in my chest. The lump slowly forming in my throat. I looked at the worried expression on Jisoo's face and knew I could ease her guilt, because Jisoo's a good girl. For once, I was sure I was saying the right thing. "What happened between us...that's ancient history, right? It's been four years. Long years, Jisoo."

Jisoo's face appears to be frozen, and I actually reconsider trying to be the bigger person. Because where would that leave me? She doesn't speak.

"People grow up and things...change." I say, not even trying to cover up the remorse in my voice. I'm sure she knew I was lying, but her eyes looked faraway. Disappointment - was it? - flickered across her features.

"I can understand that." There are no tears in her eyes, but her voice sounds like she's sobbing. It's a strange effect. I think I'm the one that just broke her heart, again, and I hang my head. I hate Soojin.

Night air becomes freezing to my skin, forming goosebumps on my arm. I feel like our ship has sailed. Maybe we just waited too long. We missed our perfect time, and now, it's just not going to happen. This makes my heart feel unbelievably heavy. Maybe this is how Jisoo felt when I left, in a limo, in the middle of the night.

I couldn't just show up and expect to have everything the same, can I? Maybe this is what they call being selfless.

"Jisoo?"

She doesn't say a word, just flicks her eyes in my direction.

"Are you happy?"

She sighs at my question. "Jennie..."

"Are you?"

She seems to consider it for a long time, setting her head in her chin. "I guess so. Yeah." She finally looks at me, eyes clear. "I am."

I stare at her for a long time, and it's a hard thing to do, because I feel like I might start crying, or screaming, or both. I let her see everything. "Then I'm happy." My voice cracks, and I stand up.

I start back to my car, without another word. Jisoo shoots up. "When do I get to see you again?"

"Whenever you want."

I drive to the corner of her street, peering back to make sure she made it back inside. Her porch light is off, and I lean my head against the steering wheel, trying to make sense of what happens in my head. But it doesn't. All that makes sense is the years and years of hurt has only added up to more hurt, and if that's true, why am I still here?

I pull out my phone and I realize my hand is shaking. "Crap." I pound the numbers as fast as I can, before I change my mind.

Three rings. I glare at myself in the mirror. I don't know if I'm weak or strong right now, but I guess it doesn't matter.

"I'm surprised you're calling so soon."

"Mom? I want the job."