I was not in my usual self today. I can't clearly think as if there were something that is bothering my conscious mind, my body is shaking, my hands were trembling, I can't properly breathe and my heart's not in its appropriate rhythm again. No, it's not because of someone, I should know, because I know that it was my own fault... again. I know it wasn't good to do it but I did it.
Took a small amount of caffeine when I know that I already had enough of it and I may not be able to control its effects on me. Listening to sad songs when I know that it will just add up to the agony I was feeling. The caffeine started to devour me calling all the sadness, the anxieties and the pains I hid at the deepest part of my mind.
It suddenly reminded me of you. I was reminded of how coffee and you can cause the same feels on me. Yes, I admit, I seldomly have some thoughts about you but as I've promised, I'm finally going to let go. Because I just realized that my feelings, the thing I thought "love" was just my most immature outlook of love, those created scenarios and imaginations in my head, my assumptions, are all part of this childish feeling. But then, this long running feelings of mine will not be that easy to be obviated, I can't always pretend and convince myself that I finally get over you but then at the deepest part of me I know that it's still you. Knowingly that my heart can still skip a beat when I hear your name, inner me can still smile when you're the one who was talked about, and maybe I will still not be able to look directly to you or even ask about how's your life. After all, it is not easy to delete people and reset feelings in our system, right?
But then, the moving on that I was talking about was my own way and my own definition of moving on. Moving on means trying to forget all of my self-assumptions, pushing my self not to or atleast lessen the times I will think of you. Moving on means letting go of you, removing all those unrighteous jealousy. Let us explore our separate worlds, meet new people without worrying, that you might finally found the woman who fits perfectly for you, as if you were mine. Moving on for me, means finally accepting that you and I might not be the right one for each other, understanding that no matter how much you want something to happen there still some things that are not meant to be.
It was like a big stone was thrown, as if a bucket of cold water was poured on me. I finally realized that I shouldn't always hurt myself, that's why I willfully turned down my own feelings first before you finally turn it down. I'm finally walking away from you with this realization that I should not be hurt without fighting, and this should be the battle I should face with the One I know whose plans matters the most.
I know that God has more greater plans on me, I also know that He wants me to do first the things I should do. He wants me to accomplish first the things He intended me to do, to work on my career and be the better version of my self, and most especially to serve Him first and love Him wholeheartedly.
At that very right time, even if it is not you, I'm going to take the risk and fearlessly share a cup of coffee with the right person for me, in a perfect weather, and share the most perfect moment with him.
