June 10, 2018
3:00 a.m
The weather was calm; the breeze was cold, but the sun still found its way to shine even just a bit, and so as me.
You'll be leaving soon,
And this may also be the last time that I will write something like this-
Something about you.
Actually, there were so many things that I would like to tell. From the very first time that I saw you, when we were still kids- that "seems impossible yet magical" moment, to those little talks, interactions and unexpected gazes that I had with you. But I find it difficult to put them all into words, I find it hard to say something that only heart can explain, and I think none of those complicated words can explain this feeling. All I know and all I can say is that if it's you, I was happy... or sad maybe- well, that's the complexity of life, the things that makes us smile are also the things that will make us frown. I was so used to that.
"He'll be leaving soon... "
The moment that I heard that, a lot of thoughts came up to me, a lot of "what if's" and "I should's" got me, so many things that my chest can't even handle. My heart pumps so hard to the point that I knew that it was not only the caffeine that is hurting me. I was running out of breathe and in any moment I knew that I'm gonna shed tears but thank God, I still managed to smile and say "It's ok". Behind those laughs and jokes that time were my concealed sad feeling. And do you know what was the saddest thing that also happened? It is that I unexpectedly saw you that night, I don't know why were you happened to be there, I just shrugged but the moment our eyes met, before I was very happy because you got to look at me but that time it was different, totally different- that was the last time that I felt the warmness of the environment, it's just like the weather was trying to pair with my feelings, metamorphically and literally everything went cold after that day.
I was sad, having the thoughts of you that was miles away from me. Some friends told me to pray for your failure so that you can stay. But I can't be selfish like that, after all you were never mine to lose. And if I were to pray about you, it will be for your success, because it was a festive feeling seeing you fulfilling your dreams and having your first step in reaching your goals, even if it means you'll be away from my sight. Besides even if you're here near me, it still feels like you're far away. Oh, I forgot to say- this was not that typical type of "the one that got away" stories like the others but it was an eight-year unrequited love, still and all.
Some might say, I'm too young for this, well I also nagged myself about that-a couple of times, I guess. My mind was also tired sucking out reasons why does this happened and why did it come this far, why do I feel this way? Those things were also a mystery for me. Some might also say, I should tell him these, but maybe that was the least thing I would do. I don't have enough courage to do that, I was too coward and weak to do such. I'd rather keep this feeling than saying this to him. I'd rather tell it to strangers or friends, to everyone, but not to him. I might not playing it fair and square but you can't blame me, I was just too afraid of the things that might probably happen, and I would not let myself hurt further.
I always believed that people have their own turning points that will cause a beautiful twist and turns in their lives. In stories they called it "climax", the highest point of a narrative. But I didn't know that my turning point in liking you would be like this way. And you leaving, will make a total different in my life, because no one could ever be my "love at first sight" again, no one could make me smile with doing just nothing and no one could make me feel happy with just simply passing me by. You were my "attracted with you in ways I can't explain", you were my "there was never been a moment when I didn't recognized you", my "I always remember everything about you"- you were all that.
I wanted to say sorry for all the awkward moments with me. Sorry for not saying "hi" and just passing you by (or should I say that to myself? Haha). Thank you for the feelings that you made and make me feel, thank you for giving additional meanings to the songs I used to listen to, thank you for all the false hopes, and thank you for being the main subject of this thing.
Years from now, I might not feel the same. My feelings might be different the time we meet again- but one thing is for sure, I will still recognize you as a special one and that you will still have a special place here *strikes to my chest* that no one could ever replace.
It took me hours to finish this and now I am running out of words but that's fine as this would be the last. So for now, goodbye and take care.
