Choice Notes (Jack & Finn Harries)

Choice Notes - Chapter Twentyeight

"Look, Beth, I know this isn't..." Finn struggled with his words as he nibbled lightly on his lower lip in concentration, "I know this isn't exactly perfect, and I get why it isn't, I do, but can't you just relax a bit? I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to do."

I sighed, shrugging. "You're right. I'm sorry I'm acting weird, I just don't want any of this to get lost in translation." I suddenly came to terms with the irony of what I was saying; I was sat on his bed alone with him, of course Finn was going to get mixed messages.

Finn nodded once and sat on his hands as if to hold them back from reaching out to take a lock of my hair like he would so often. "Do you want to go out for a coffee?" he asked. "I fancy a walk."

"Yeah, sure, why not," I replied, "I could do with some fresh air."

"Meet you downstairs in five?"

"Downstairs in five," I confirmed and got up from his bed to retrieve my jacket and make myself at least half presentable for the outside world. I was glad Finn always had a plan for the day, whether it was an adventure into central London or simply a lazy day watching stupid YouTube videos on his laptop. 

Obviously I went out with other friends, but sometimes it was good to have someone who didn't mind spending the day curled up with a book or who knew that it wasn't always essential to be talking all the time. A comfortable silence was often the best way to appreciate friendship and sometimes silence held more trust than promising words did.

So how come Jack's voice echoed through my mind? The smallest thing could be a trigger; the way Finn said a word, or a sentence in a book, or the lyrics to a song. He was everywhere in my head but nowhere in my life and it killed me inside. There was a constant weight on my chest and in my lungs. It was like a balloon, and with every thought too many this balloon would inflate, leaving me struggling for breath, unable to speak and with tears pouring uncontrollably down my cheeks. I was terrified at the frequency of what was happening to me; I didn't want to go back where anxiety had its hands around my neck. I was so bloody useless and I didn't know what to do about it. All I felt I could do was to try and live like there was nothing wrong, that all of this didn't matter. Shrug it off, I thought, shrug it off and you'll be fine. What a lie that was.

FINN'S POV

As promised, five minutes later we set off down the street. The sun was out and cast long shadows onto the pavement in front of us.

"Can you imagine if everyone was that tall?" I asked Beth, pointing at my shadow. I couldn't help but watch the swinging of her hips in her blacked out figure as she walked.

"I bet I'd still be a bit of a midget," she replied, looking up at me, her eyes squinting against the sun.

"There's got to be some good things about being small," I said. "Like you must be great at playing hide and seek."

"That's true, but I feel like I'm always missing out on things. Like at concerts I either have to be at the front or hope that everyone else is my size, which is never the case. Mind you, it does give me an excuse to go on someone's shoulders."

"Next time we go to one you've got a reserved space on mine then," I said. Beth smiled at me through a closed mouth. I smiled back. Her freckles were beginning to come out again now the sun was making an appearance.

"I'm quite glad I'm small actually," she said after a moment's pause.

"Why's that?" I asked.

"Everything's a lot closer on the ground," she said. I gave her a puzzled look, and she continued, "Say, when I'm wearing heels, I'll have to reach further to grab something from a table. That's another thing actually: I can wear heels and not look overly tall."