Choice Notes (Jack & Finn Harries)

Choice Notes - Chapter Twentyeight

JACK'S POV

Beth did exactly as I said from then on. She left it. And when I say she left it, she left my life almost entirely. If it weren't for us living in the same house I doubted whether I would have ever seen her again. I overheard her talking to Finn once about moving out but they came to the conclusion that she could survive a couple more months what with the contract which still remained intact. 

The last conversation we had, the argument, constantly played over and over in my mind and I regretted every moment of it. I was a monster for hurting her like that. It was now late April, and though the sun was starting to break through the clouds, it did nothing to brighten my thoughts. I had become detached, my mind wanting to get away from the body of a fool.

The question 'do you still like her?' floated in and out of my conscience throughout each day without her and every time my answer was the same; Of course I do, I bloody love her. And I had fucked it up so badly that she didn't love me back anymore. I knew she had gotten closer with Finn after our argument, though whether it was out of spite or it was because she needed someone by her side, I didn't know. Maybe it was both. Either way, it was Finn who held her trust and who got to steal smiles from her after breaking the tension with some stupid pun, or who got to be in her presence without such a heavy conscience. It seemed that I was the bad guy now. I wished that this was just one of her short-lived grudges which only lasted a matter of days but that wasn't the case; I had truly broken the boundaries this time, and I certainly wasn't allowed back.

Sometimes I thought that maybe, if I had the right words, I could make a move to bettering our relationship, but since the argument I could never trust my own mouth in fear of something unintended slipping out again. Before all this, I thought that I could have a go at fixing our friendship, the switchboard, but now I saw how stupid that was. We were in shatters, both mentally and physically. I could see this in how my hands shook whenever she came across my mind and in the dark circles under her eyes. It takes a lot to put together those pieces again, and replace the things which couldn't be fixed. There wasn't enough time for us and it was now as if it was my entire fault. I thought pushing her away, keeping the peace with distance would have made things better, but no distance could shun the arguments and cold shoulders which stayed forever lodged in our minds and nagged away at us, bringing our spirits down relentlessly.

Each day was a reminder of this: not going down to the kitchen in the afternoon to welcome Beth home from college, not being able to spend time lying down and pondering about anything and everything without my thoughts wondering back to her lips. Some mornings I would wake up and think she had been there, and had just got up to go to the toilet and would be back in a minute. That was never the case, not anymore; it was all in my head. I laughed at myself about this a lot - she didn't just cross my mind: she lived in it, and all I could do was watch.

-x-

BETH'S POV

The relationship I held with Finn was one of love and hate. I loved it in how he was so eager to have me in his company; in his ability to ease the tension with a few jesting words; and in how his worn-out eyes comforted me in a way I don't think he understood. I hated it however in how his eagerness came not purely of friendship, in how his ability to ease the tension came so naturally to him as if there was no tension at all, when all I felt was a quivering wreck of it. I hated it in the way his worn-out eyes matched Jack's in how they looked at me so gently. I wished he wouldn't look at me like that. Keeping my distance had become a mantra of mine; I never let him too close to lead him into believing I was ready to move on. 

How I acted around him was closely monitored by my paranoid brain so much so that he began to notice. I tried to be careful, but it was obvious with every time I changed the conversation subject or pulled away when he began to play with my fingers idly.