And It's been awhile since I could hold my head up high.
And it's been awhile since I first saw you.
I look in the mirror, I'm so pale and the black rings that show lack of sleep aren't helping. I'm dying slowly, I used to be so happy. But now I can only look at the pictures of me and who we used to be my friends, painful memories held in one single frame.
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again.
And it's been awhile since I could call you.
Tears start falling freely as I smash another bottle against the kitchen counter, I kick over the dinner table and grab anything, just to break it like I had been broken. Missing the feeling of happiness, I walk over to my bathroom, treading around the glass with caution, I grab out the unperscribed pill bottle and shove a majority of the contents in my mouth. It's slowly fading away, but it's not enough.
And everything I can't remember.
As messed up as it all may seem.
Most of the pain is gone by the time I finish another bottle, Five more and I'll stop, I would always say that, but I never, ever stop. I stand up from the counter, only to take two steps and fall down, another break-down, they've become a normality in this home, this wrecked house, it's just how it goes.
The consequences that I've rendered.
I've stretched myself beyond my means.
I hear a rapid knock from the door, I barely answer it without hoping, maybe, just maybe they came back. I open the door only to be greeted with the mail-man, him holding a letter out to me "Gerard Way?" I take the letter and turn around. Bills, probably. I throw the letter on the couch, not bothering to open it.
And it's been awhile since I can say that I wasn't addicted.
And it's been awhile since I can say I love myself aswell.
I quickly walk over to the drawer that held my escape, I yank it open and pull it out, the razor. I smile, remembering that I've done this many of years ago, but I stopped thanks to Frank. He was the only reason I stopped, he left, I started up again, good thing I've come to no use, you shouldn't exactly ruin worth-while things could you? Well I'm not, I'm hurting myself.
And it's been awhile since I've gone and messed things up just like I always do.
And it's been awhile but all that stuff seems to disappear when I'm with you.
I press play on the tape again, it was all four of us, Ray, Mikey....Frank and I, we were just having fun, my mom was taping us and I had accidently elbowed Frank in the face, trying to get something out of the drain in the sink, we lost it but, I ended up giving him my first kiss, yes, I had my first kiss on tape, although I don't need it, I see more in my dreams. I smile, the memory of all my friends with me, happy years before I decided to mess it all up, with the drinking.
And everything I can't remember.
As messed up as it all may seem.
I'm crying again, I thought by now the tears would stop, it's been three years and I just can't stop, everything that could've happened. Frank and I married, Ray and Mikey would've had families, I could've had a daughter, maybe three and even a son, but no, nothing's out there for me. I decide to drink again.
The consequences that I've rendered.
I've gone and messed things up again.
I just sit there, on my bed. Thinking of everything I remembered that drove them away, they had died and it was my fault but they hadn't really died, no, no-one found their bodies so I just assumed, they ran away, from me, from us. And all because I got drunk and took a swing at the biggest guy there, then he had hunted us down and....I lay down, crying. It's my fault, all of it.
Why must I feel this way?
Just make it all go away
Just one more peaceful day!
It's been three years and I still can't get over the pain, I just want to be happy, but the regret is killing me inside, I don't know what to do.
And it's been awhile since I could look at myself straight.
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry.
I want to scream, with all my heart and lungs but I can't, my throat burns and I refuse to do anything about it, I deserve the pain, not speaking is just a plus. Drinking myself to oblivion doesn't help but hey, I don't dwell on little problems like that.
And it's been awhile since I've seen the way the candle lights your face.
And it's been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste.
I wake up with a jolt, sweating. Frankie. I dreamt of him, of our first time, he was so happy afterwards and I caused that, that's what made me smile, his glow. I didn't care about anything or anyone other than him. He was, is perfect. I remember everything, every second, every minute of us, together, and it hurts, so bad.
And everything I can't remember.
As messed as it all may seem.
I find myself hovering over the toilet seat again, I drank a little too much again, after a burst of rage I broke everything I could get my hands on, and broke the already broken. This apartment is so badly damaged, I'm surprised I haven't been kicked out yet. I grab the bottle that's seated by the toilet and drink, wincing slightly at the burn from the acid that burned my throat but not stopping. I've decided something very important today, I'm going to say goodbye, to everything.
I cannot blame this on my father.
He did the best he could for me.
I cry and write the note to the only person who would care "Goodbye Dad, I love you, thank you and I'm so so sorry" was what I had written. I wipe the tears and shove it in my pocket after writing 'Donald Way' on the front. I had a shower and dressed up, as the Hollywood Undead song goes "If you're gonna see god, You'll wanna dress nice". And I grab the rope. But I also noticed the letter...it wasn't a bill.
And it's been awhile since I could hold my head up high.
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry.
I've been standing on the chair for quite sometime now, the noose already wrapped around my neck, but I haven't made the move the kick the chair away. I have been looking at the letter that read 'Gerard Way' in messy handwriting, only Identifiable because I remember the handwriting, it was his. Franks handwriting, he probably written to tell me he hates me. So I open the letter, for closure I guess. I take off the noose and opened the letter. When I finished, I cried.
What was written was.
"Gerard,
It's been awhile.
I still remember you, after these years. I thought you had died, but you haven't and neither have I.
Mikey and Ray are married, we would've invited you to their wedding, yes, they married eachother.
I haven't moved on Gee and I hope you haven't either, but if you have, I understand.
I just want to say. I'm sorry, We didn't look for you, the police had found a body that resembled yours and we thought it was yours.
Please come back, we miss you. I love you Gee, forever and always.
Text or Call me: XXX-XXX-XXX
- xoFrnk"
I cried and cried and cried, I'd missed so much because I didn't look long enough. I have another chance. I'll have Frankie back.
