Not interested

Part 9

'But I think... I think there is something between you two. I'm pretty sure you should end this ' his eyes were running around my face and I wanted to hide somewhere, escape the café and forget about everything. 'And I know that you are hurt'.

'So what?' I asked cynically. 'What should I do, Matt? Nothing can help but I'm not trying to destroy someone's relationship. Besides, you know that it's only temporary. I'm sure next month Alex won't even remember my name' I was talking feeling an urge to shout as loud as I could to show the world how painful it was. Or maybe, I was overdramatic. You never know for sure. Unfortunately, it happens that what is important today, can be useless tomorrow.

'I understand' oh, no he didn't. Matt sighed deeply and I felt tired as hell. Could there be something in this world to forget about Alex Turner? I was sure that there was some remedy because I wasn't the first to feel it and I wouldn't be the last. 'You know, despite the fact that it seems impossible, you should talk to him and figure everything out between you two'.

'Is there any necessity for it? He will make thousands of promises and I will foolishly believe. Then the day will come and he will find another tune that suits him better. Why do we have to start playing the scenario if we already know the ending?' I finally looked in his grey milky eyes and mine were desperate.

'Life is a huge play, Lili. But the difference is that we have hundreds of alternative endings and only we can choose which is right for us' Matt took my hand from the table in his warm one and I felt an obsessive urge to believe that he was right. 'Tomorrow evening there is a party in Alex's house and I want you to come. Just in order to feel if playing the scenario is worth it'.

'Will Janet be there?' I asked in a quiet voice.

'She will. But that's only for better' he squeezed my hand gently and gave me a soft smile. That somehow made me believe. Well, Matt was a really good person. 'Unfortunately, now I have to go. But remember what I said and come to the party. I will be very glad if you do' I nodded simply at his words and a minute later I was left alone. Well, not really alone. With the cup of my already cold coffee.

Go to Alex's house? It seemed so painfully tempting and wrong at the same time that I couldn't get rid of my hesitations.

The city behind the glass of the window was living its usual life and I thought that maybe, I could do the same. Rushing somewhere, walking the streets, catching taxis and giving a million of senseless calls. Doing all of it without a single name on my lips, in my head, in my heart. But that was impossible, wasn't it?

I felt tired of that feeling when you don't really know what to do. When your heart says one thing and your brain another. From all the hesitations inside I chose one that wanted to feel his presence at least for a moment. That was enough to go through all the waiting hours before the party.

'So, you are ready, aren't you?' a soft voice of Matt touched my ears as we were standing in front of the front door of Alex's house. I couldn't put myself together so his voice sounded distant.

My makeup was a little darker than usual and so was my look. The dress I picked was black with lacy details on the edges and somehow it made me feel more confident. It has always been a war with Alex and every meeting was a new battle that I had to win for any price. The only thing was that I was afraid we went a little too far and my heart was aching.

'I guess I'll never be' I answered looking at Matt and nodded slightly without any expression on his face. His hand reached the doorbell and there was no way to step back. No way to escape from reality.

The door opened in a minute and I saw a slim figure of Janet standing on the threshold. A smile on her crimson lips made me flinch and I met a pair of her clean blue eyes.