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Chapter 29

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hi :-)

why does something tell me you're not fine?

dammit. how'd you know?

you know those little bubble thingies that show when someone's texting you?

yeah.

wait, you were waiting for me to text you?

well, they lingered for quite a while. you were unsure of what to say, and you ended up just saying "hi." that told me something was wrong.

you're very good at reading me.

i guess i am :-)

aNYWAY

how's my favorite person in the world doing right now? :-)

STOP SAYING THAT

JUST THE FACT THAT I'M SOMEONE'S FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD

IT MAKES ME BLUSH REALLY FUCKING HARD AND I DON'T APPRECIATE IT

you're my favorite person everrrrrrrr

STAHP

you're my favorite person in the entire woooooooorld

DO YOU WANT ME TO TURN INTO A FUCKING TOMATO

yOU'RE MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE

STOP RIGHT NOW LUCAS I SWEAR

YOU'RE MY FAVORITE PERSON EVER AND I LOVE YOU

I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU

YOU'RE LYING YOU LOVE ME

WUT

NO I DON'T

YES YOU DO

My heart was in my throat. I had no idea where I was going with this conversation. I had just unintentionally admitted my love for Calum, and he didn't even know it. I suppose that was something that bothered me a little bit—Calum and I were so used to saying 'I love you' to each other, and it was completely casual. In a way, it sort of saved me, because I could say 'I love you' to him in the most romantic way possible, and he wouldn't even know. I looked down at my phone, and my thumbs started to shake.

Should I ask him out right now?

Hey, I need to tell you something.

You're using proper capitalization.

I am.

This must be important.

It is.

Okay, what is it?

I was just about to type my response when the bell rang. I let out a heavy sigh, and I looked back down.

I actually have to go to class right now. I'll tell you later.

Okay. Bye. I love you.

I love you more.

And I did. I love Calum more than I have ever loved anyone else before.

no you don't, asshole

yes i doooooo

bye, cakeface :-) xx

bye, babycakes :-) xx

 

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5/19/13

Dear Calum,

It's been three days since I came back from my trip. I talked to you practically all weekend, so I was pretty happy.

I have finals next week. The week after that is graduation. I don't know if I'm graduating, Calum. To be honest, I don't think I am. I barely have a D in my math class, and you need a C to be eligible to graduate.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just kill myself to get away from all of this. I do that a lot—try to run away from my problems. I'm too much a coward to try and face them.

I don't know what I'm going to do, Calum.

I should talk about something else.

Ooh! I was just about to ask you to be my boyfriend. My school bell decided to be a cock-block and prevent me from asking you out. Ah, school bells...

Speaking of asking you out, I still have absolutely no idea how to do it yet. Should I be romantic? Should I write a big speech? Should I be straight forward and to the point? Should I randomly blurt out that I'm extremely attracted to you? I don't know what to do, and it's stressing me out. In fact, it's stressing me out more than my upcoming finals. The fact that this is stressing me out more than my finals is stressing me out. I'm just REALLY stressed out right now. I'll probably go bald sometime soon.

What am I going to do, Calum?

Forever Yours,

Luke

✘✘✘

"Okay," I muttered to myself. "C'mon, chemistry, don't fail me now. Don't do this to me. I really need a good grade on this test, 'kay?"

I paused, staring at the book in front of me.

"I'm talking to a fucking textbook!" I groaned.

I don't know how many times I read and reread the chapter. I just knew that it was a little past three in the morning, and that I possibly knew the periodic table like the back of my hand. My eyelids suddenly started to feel heavy. I carefully closed the book, turned off my table lamp, ad crawled into bed.

I started to cry.

"I'm not going to graduate," I whispered to myself. Lying on my left side, I brought up my knees and hugged them. I felt a few tears go over my nose and onto my left cheek. Normally, it bothered me, but this time, I didn't feel anything. I felt like everything was frozen, and I just cried.

I let go of my knees and moved so that I was lying on my back. I stared at my white ceiling, and just lied there for a while. My hands started moving towards the object on my chest. I grabbed the pendant of my necklace and held it tightly in my hand.

"Calum," I whispered. "I know you probably can't hear me, but I wanted to say that I love you. I really do love you, and in the most romantic way possible. I'm in love with you, Calum, and I can't wait for the day that we meet in person and I get to see your beautiful face.

"I don't know what to do right now, Calum. I'm lost. I'm so completely and utterly lost, as if I was left without direction. I'm scared of life, Calum. I don't know what to do with my life, how I'm going to make a living. I don't know....

"Can you hear me, Calum?"

I got no reply. I didn't even imagine a reply.

What killed me the most was the fact that I was forgetting the sound of Calum's voice.