i'm loving, but who could love me?

"do you want to keep it?"

"do you want to keep it?"
this is home -cavetown

the water clatters down on the shower tiles
i can't stop thinking about you
and i honestly don't know what to do
this song
these words
this world

everything changes
but time repeats itself
there is nothing new under the sun

i was asked what i wanted for christmas
i said a new microphone to better sing about you
i said wireless headphones so i can run away from you easier
i said a sound barrier so i won't have to listen to my parents arguing above my home studio
that was made of broken bits of memories
that i gathered
some places belong to you specifically
im working on minimizing the areas
now there is only a few

is it bad that i wish there were more?
is it bad that i wish things were like before?
maybe i'm a fool
this is mercury retrograde after all
thoughts at the back of my mind come to resurface where i locked them away

i guess that would explain why i'm sitting in my bathtub fully clothed
listening to siegfried on repeat
and wondering about you

time moves
but my heart and mind
are not in sync
as the months go by

everyday feels the same
some days i wish i could feel whole again
that i could try and understand
why people hurt people
hurt people, hurt people
they've said

but i just
wish i could scratch this feeling
it's worse than missing
missing feels like mourning me
who i one was
and some days just you

if i could have anything for christmas
it would be
bravery

the spontaneous essence of whom i was with you
to just pick up
and just
do

not overthink
not go through every scenario in the world
just to open my mouth
or at least leave this room

my friends still hate when i talk about you
and sometimes i hate it too
but no matter where i go
im reminded
of what was

and each time
it feels like my heart is snagged
and kicked on the ground
and dragged behind me
until i suppress the memory

I'm not brave

but i'm not weak
i just make
fast decisions
that i don't think about after a while
and i've never done this to anyone
but you

i value everyone in my life
despite their mistakes
or what they left behind

everyone i love
....i lose

i know time travel doesn't exist
but sometimes i weigh in the option of fast forward or rewind

fast forward to the part in my life when i'm happy
or rewind to the moments when i was miserable
but i still had you

i think i'd choose pause
just to think this through
because time is an illusion for coping
and life is fragile as glass
memories are forever

i think the best and worst curse would be alzheimer's for me
i tell my friends to be sure when they fall in love
be very sure that they feel the same
because

when they go away
they'll never leave you mind

doesn't matter where i go
or what i do
i'm not ashamed
of how i feel

but sometimes i miss my flower pin
and it looked better on her anyway
but that's besides the point

never liked alcohol
just liked being more free
and you being more like me

i always loved crying
but crying for something beautiful
shattered my heart
kind of reminds me of
when the party's over by billie eilish

oh
where was that song ten months ago?

you would think
thank u, next is my favorite song
i don't understand how some people do it
i'm just messed up right now

wishing i was back in february
i mourn the days that i only had to feel sad about you ignoring me during the school day
or not seeing you for a week

it's been a long time
and i don't know what i'm doing
i'm in a bathtub
the days are too short
and sometimes i want to scream
and jump into a freezing lake
no matter what i do
i'm always reminded of you
and that's not fair
because you're not even here to annoy me
or make fun of me
or tease me
or laugh at me
or chase me
or make me
sad

you're not even here to make me sad
and somehow my mind manages to take my best memories of you
and make them the worst
because i wish i could hold those times

when me and you
weren't just me and you
we had friends
we had the best times

and i'm running out of sanity
and the rest of this will start to lack relevance
this is home by cavetown
just came on
and i'm gonna fucking cry wOw

all i gotta say is
i get tired or reminiscing
and sometimes i feel like this is the end
of my sad movie
that nothing will ever change
that you hate me
and that's all there is

that you're so happy without me
and if you are
that doesn't make me sad
im glad
because i wanted you happier than me
that's my issue
and i hope i got my wish

my words are never enough
honestly you could just ignore them
you'd be better off ignoring my words
because i wish

i wish i were brave enough to say fuck it
and say
you only live once kaylin
go ahead
fix your mistakes
apologize
be the hero you say you are
mend shit

but my anxiety climbs mountains even just imagining seeing you again
i think
i'd die
but a part of me already has
a long while ago

i want to believe everything happens for a reason
but i don't see the
purpose
of this

so i just wait
for something to change
that maybe one day
i'll feel brave

but i'm not
i'm a mess

in my bathtub
couldn't take a shower because my head keeps unwinding

another visit to the lake should do the trick
but i can't keep going alone
can't keep talking to the moon
can't keep feel shocked and confused as if it were still june

it's december
and i struggle saying
that i think i lost you for good

but not for good
for bad
for worse

••••

that's the realest poem ive ever written
i usually struggle to say you
and her
because it makes me feel naked
because i get ashamed of my own pitiful emotions
but fuckkkkk it

Im human and i feel shit
and that's the shit i feel