The Pain Inside

Chapter 7

"It's not like it's forever. It's only temporary, Matt," she found herself saying. She was in another memory, in Matt's bedroom. But like before, by the time she realized it she was already losing herself in her role within the memory. "It's not you, it's me. I have to take some time and figure things out for myself. My entire life I've always depended on myself for my happiness. I've believed in that, make yourself happy before looking to anyone else for that. And all those assholes I dated before... It was how I was able to always bounce back. By reminding myself that I didn't need them, that I could be happy without them. But with you..."

"With me it's different?" Matt demanded, his tone sounding angry but she could hear the hurt underneath it, the pain this was causing him. "Why is that such a bad thing?"

"Because I feel like I'm starting to rely on you for my happiness. Like I'm becoming emotionally dependant on you, and that scares the hell out of me. If I lean on you for all my emotional needs, if I let myself need you like that... What if something happens Matt? What if you decide you don't want me? I fall apart. I know a lot of girls would think oh great, a love that's gotten that intense, let me jump right in. But that step terrifies me. I can feel how much I want to take it, how much I want to just cast everything else aside and need you, like warmth and oxygen, to the point where you're everything and the world crumbles without you. But I'm scared, Matt. Maybe it's because every guy before you hurt me. Maybe it's because I could never imagine that kind of attachment being healthy until I fell for you. Maybe it's because I just don't know how to handle that, those feelings. I don't know, that's why I need some time to figure it all out, to decide if I'm ready for that," Kat told him. She was doing her best to put her feelings into words and still it didn't come out sounding how she wanted it.

"I need you, you know," Matt said, the anger gone from his voice, his eyes shifting to stare at the ground. "I'm already there Kat. In a way you can't imagine. I need you. You are my world. You're everything good in my life. I need how happy I am when I'm with you, how you make me feel. Without you... There's nothing. You are my everything. Rely on myself for happiness? I wouldn't even know what that means. You are my happiness. You are my love. And I need you."

Kat winced. She knew he meant it, she knew this couldn't be easy on him, but this was for the best. Better for her to come to terms with her worries and her fears now then to freak out on him at some point down the road. "It's only for awhile, Matt, I swear. It doesn't change how I feel about you. I love you Matt, so much. It's not because I want someone else, it's nothing like that. I can't even imagine myself being with anyone but you, anymore. It's just something I have to figure out for myself. Please, Matt. Please understand."

Matt slowly lifted his head to stare right at her, his face twisted with so many emotions she couldn't make them out. "I do understand, Kat, but my understanding doesn't change the fact that you're leaving me... I know you're scared, I know why you're making the choice you're making, but you don't have to make that choice! You can... Take a leap of faith. Trust in me. Say 'screw my fear' and dive in headfirst, and just trust that we'll figure things out as they come, together. That you'll find a way through it all, with me by your side. Put everything on the line and take a chance, because the life we can have together is worth it. Show me that you believe that, that the life we can have together is worth fighting for, is worth struggling for, is worth everything. Don't give in to the fear, and let it make you pull away. Fight. Fight for me."

"Do you think I want to do this Matt? I hate it. I hate that it's hurting you. I hate that it'll mean I'll be apart from you for even one second. But it's for the best. In the long run, it really is for the best. I want my life with you to be perfect. I don't want this to come between us. I have to work on myself. I have to get to a place where I'm not afraid, anymore," Kat tried to explain.