Who's Fault?

Chapter Four

"No, it's not Maxie! I can't do this shit anymore!!" I tried to yell at him, but I'm almost positive it came out as a whisper.

"Yes, you can. You are a fighter and you've been fighting ever since your mom left you to fend for yourself. You are so strong for that and for everything you've been through." Max tried convincing me.

"I am SO tired of fighting. It always comes back to this. And this... This is not strong. This is weak a-a-and pathetic and not worth it at all. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to breakdown. I don't want to hear thought after thought about how there's no one here to fix my mistakes like there used to be because nothing that I do is right. I don't want to hear how much of a terrible person I am, and a failure, and how stupid I am to believe I'll ever amount to anything good. I can't do it. I am not fucking strong enough."

Max sighed deeply before saying, "that's where you're wrong, Wren. You are the strongest person I know. You fight every day, and you win. It may not seem like it, but you do. You're still here, after everything. You're winning. You're talking to me, telling me how you feel and what's going on in your head. You are winning the fight."

He's lying, "then how come it doesn't feel like it?"

He hesitated this time, not answering for a few minutes, "Because there's a part of your brain that says that you aren't. It feeds you all of these lies and makes you question everything..." Liar.

Why did I trust this guy?

Because he's been around since the very beginning and has taken care of me. "... But you are so much more than what those thoughts tell you."

"I don't believe you." I didn't know why I said it, but it happened. He's gonna hate me.

"I know you don't right now, and as much as I hate it, I understand."

I didn't respond to him, I was stuck in my head. Max didn't say anything else, he stayed with me and didn't leave before I drifted off to sleep.

'I think I've got a problem.' I texted Chloe the next day. I didn't think I had a problem, I knew it, but whatever.

'what is it' she sent back to me.

'I like Eli.'

'and that's a problem because...' she didn't get it. I knew it.

'I can't like him. He's my friend and there's no way he likes me.' I tried explaining to her. He's probably like every other guy that I've ever met or been with; crude and misleading.

'how will you ever know if you don't put yourself out there'

'Trust me. He doesn't like me like that, okay? Now what am I supposed to do?!' I was getting frustrated with her. She always teased me when it came to stuff like this and it wasn't funny. I was in some serious trouble here and she just wanted to joke around.

'well if you're sure he doesn't then you're just gonna have to get over it if you still want to be friends with him' That was no help.

I didn't bother replying to her.

Eli and I had hung out just about every day these past two weeks, either before or after I'd gotten off work. He always had something planned, whether it was a classic game with a twist or a little adventure to go on. It was always a blast. Whenever I was around him, things seemed better. My heart felt light and like there were elephants running around in my stomach, instead of butterflies.

On the day I had off last week he set up a twister game outside in his backyard and had colored foam on top of the dots. He made me change into my bathing suit and a plain white t-shirt before we could play, so I didn't ruin any of my clothing. It was a blast. We played a few rounds; one of us always ended up falling on top of the other and getting foam all over.