Whose Fault? (Editing)

Chapter Three

After finishing our work, I made my way back home. When I got there, I worked on the rest of my homework that was assigned earlier. It took me about a couple hours to get it done.

I put all my work back into my backpack, then cleaned up my mess in the kitchen from when I cooked myself food while doing homework. When I finished in the kitchen I went on to clean up around the rest of my living spaces, including my room, and did some laundry.

By the time I finished, it was around ten p.m. and I was exhausted. So, I bundled myself up in my bed, read for a little bit, then fell asleep.

Next thing I knew, my phone was blaring it's Falling in Reverse alarm tone. I groaned and turned it off before it woke me up completely. I don't want to get out of bed. I quickly fell back asleep, but only for about half an hour before my alarm clock across the room went off. It took all I had in me to hold tears in at that moment. I couldn't even find the motivation to get myself out of bed, just to turn the alarm clock off the proper way. Lazy ass.

I threw one of the pillows I wasn't using towards the direction I thought the clock was, hoping that I would hit it just the right way. There was a loud bang, and for a moment I was worried, until I realized the alarm wasn't going off anymore. I assumed that my throw was accurate and knocked the clock off the desk and unplugged it from the wall.

I tried going back to sleep again, but my mind was already awake... and creating torture for my entire being with thoughts from dark places. Attempting to at least put this on pause, I picked up my phone and scrolled through my different social media apps. It didn't work, instead I was still stuck in my head.

I'm going to be late. I'm so lazy.

Get out of bed.

Why would he go away? I'm not good enough. Would he fix all my fuck ups and help me say the right things? I can't do anything right. Would he come back for me? I'm an embarrassment.

Pathetic.

Why hadn't he come back? I don't deserve him. But I love him.

I don't want to get out of bed.

I need him. I can't do anything right without him!

Get the fuck out of bed!

Nothing is right. I'm not right. I need him. I'm no one without him. I can't do this anymore. Where did he go? I am nothing without him. Insignificant and unimportant.

I got out of bed, stripped, and went straight to the shower. No. No. No. No. No. This is wrong. I am fine. I don't need him.

Yes, I do. If he was here this wouldn't be happening.

Next thing I knew, there were tears streaming down my face along with the water from the shower head and my breathing was out of control. There was nothing and everything going on in my head at the same time. My hands locked up and I couldn't move my fingers at all. I felt like oxygen was betraying me because there didn't seem to be enough of it. I tried breathing in through my nose and out my mouth, but I couldn't focus long enough to steady my breathing pace. So, I sat there, tears and water rapidly falling down my body, hoping it would end soon.

I kept trying to move my fingers and after what seemed like an eternity, they un-tensed and I was able to move them freely. My breathing started to slow, and I reached for a blade and dragged it across the skin of my wrist until I had gained control of my breathing again.

I got out of the shower and put on sweatpants and a tank top, before heading back into bed. Tears were still falling from my eyes. I looked at the clock and saw that it was ten in the morning.

Every once and a while that would happen. I'd get so caught up with thoughts about him that I couldn't escape from, and I'd lose control over everything. It was hard to deal with and took a major toll on me.

I picked up my phone and called Max, hoping he wasn't busy or in class, and that he would pick up.

When he answered, his voice was groggy and rough, like I had woken him up. "Hello?" He said.

"Max?" I questioned as I sniffled, my voice weak and wobbly, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep."

When he responded, it seemed like he was fully awake, "don't you dare hang up the phone Wren!"

"I'm sorry." I said with tears falling from my eyes. "It happened again."

"Shit, Wren. What's going on in that head of yours today?" He asked me.

"What did I do wrong? What did I do so wrong that made him leave without saying anything? W-w-why can't I do things right? Or do normal things th-that other people do? I-I-I need him, Maxie. He helped m-me to not mess up and fixed e-e-everything when I did mess up. Without him, I don't know what I'm doing. I can't do anything right. I'm jus-just... nothing without him." I vented.

"Listen to me, Wren... I may not know exactly what that fucker did to you, but I have some ideas. And you are better off without him here." He's wrong. "You are getting back to being Wren again. Making decisions and-and telling jokes and laughing. He does not control you, not anymore. You are worth something and are important to so many people." No, I'm not.

My own mother doesn't even care about me.

He continued speaking when I didn't say anything. "It's okay that sometimes we mess up. That's okay. We fix it or move on or both. That's how we grow as people. I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm so sorry I can't be there right now to help you. But I'm coming home this weekend and I'll be able to see you then, I promise. Okay?"

"Alright." I said as I sniffled once again.

"Wren?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me you'll call me if you need to. If you need someone to talk to. Or if this happens again. I don't care what time it is. Promise me." He practically begged.

"I promise."

"Thank you. Any better?" He asked.

No. "Yeah. A little." He talked to me for a little while longer, I only responded when it was necessary. I could tell he was just trying to get my mind away from the dark places it went whenever this happened, but it didn't work.

After we hung up, I spent the rest of the day with my mind at war with itself, wanting to get up and do something, anything, but not being able to pull myself out of bed or the thoughts in my head.

As the day came to a close, I wanted to give up. I didn't want to live like this anymore. My mind was being torn apart by thoughts that I couldn't seem to control. I am worthless. I am nothing. No one would notice if I just disappeared. No one wants someone this messed up in their life. My friends don't even want me in their life. I'm just weird to them. My own mother doesn't want me in her life. When my eyes finally closed, it wasn't by choice. I didn't want to close my eyes in fear of what my anxiety would dream up. A different part of me just wanted to sleep forever, never waking up.

💜❤️

Hello readers!

I'm excited to bring you this new chapter, that is 3,506 words!!! YAY!!

I'd like to just mention that when you see the words that are bold and italicized, they are her thoughts. That's how she thinks, granted most of the time it's her anxiety and depression, but those thoughts are still hers.

Alright! That's all from me for now...

TM