three is the perfect number || jaenoren (norenmin)

vingt-trois

Jaemin gripped the steering wheel like it was his lifeline; his knuckles white against the bone, skin pale where it pressed against the leather. He hadn't known he'd be experiencing this much emotional turmoil waiting for Jeno to leave his house. After all, he was just going to drop him off at Endless Café. 

So that he could confess to Renjun. 

Jeno had called him earlier, some degree of frenzy evident in his words, saying that Jaemin needed to drop him off at that place; that he couldn't walk there alone. And Jaemin, who evidently needed to practice saying no, agreed to the favour. 

Jeno then stepped outside, tapping his phone nervously against his thigh. He waved to Jaemin, shut the door behind him, and hurried into the front seat, pulling the belt down into place and shutting his eyes so that the skin crinkled around them. They pulled out onto the street without a word. Jaemin forced his eyes away, he wouldn't look, he couldn't look — swallowing any lumps in his throats as if they were just kinks that needed to be straightened out. 

"We're here." 

"What?"

Jaemin, reached over to un-click the boy's seatbelt, gesturing dumbly to the cafe doors, open and stuck in place against the light breeze. It was a bit busier today. Before them, a waitress had stepped outside, puffing on a cigarette. They watched her stamp it out and walk back inside. Renjun hadn't arrived yet. Jaemin swallowed the dryness in his mouth, the words tumbling out before he could help it — 

≠

"You still want to do this, right?" 

Jeno snapped back to reality, and looked over and saw wide, brown eyes looking at him concernedly, hair a pretty brown mess, lips twisted in a frown. He looked away, out of the window, looked back, unable to match Jaemin's unwavering gaze — why did he look so much more confident than Jeno? Like he could step out and go confess to Renjun himself?

He probably could, thought Jeno, his eyes closing against his will. Renjun likes him, not me. That's the way it should have been. 

His breath unstuck itself from his throat and the words were pummeling the air before he could help it. "I can't do this. I can't go through with this, Jaemin, I'm so sorry, I can't. It's too much, and it's too little, and it's too different, and you can't, then — and I can't do it, we need to go — Can we go? I —" 

"Jeno." The distressed boy started at how stern Jaemin sounded. He just sighed and repeated himself: "Jeno. You need to listen to me, okay? You need to understand me when I say you can do this. Why can't you? Tell me, tell me right here, right now, why can't you do this?"

The words bubbled to the top of his mind: You. You couldn't be with us then, could you?  But he couldn't let them leave his mouth — he would distress Jaemin, disgust him, confuse him — it wouldn't end up well. But I kissed you, Jaemin would say. I kissed you and you pushed me away. Why now? Why have you changed your mind? Why can't you choose one, you selfish shit?

Jaemin misinterpreted Jeno's silence. "That's right, Jeno," continued Jaemin, "There's no reason you can't do this. You love Renjun?" 

Jeno clawed at the frustration in his chest borne by not being able to pour out his feelings to Jaemin, and only brought himself to nod, not breaking their eye contact. "You love Renjun, and you want him to know that, am I correct? Then just let him know. You've known each other for so long that if this is going to work out for the worse then it's probably just gonna be a bump in your friendship. You can get over feelings too, Jeno." 

But not in my case, Jeno thought helplessly. Jaemin leaned back, turning his head slightly so that he was even closer, his breath an inch away from splaying across Jeno's skin. "In my opinion, the only two things that could possibly happen is that he would laugh it off — which'd be painful, yeah, but there'd be no more waiting around — or he'd love you back, 100%." Jeno nodded, two painfully deep breaths wrecking his chest. "Remember, Jeno, that I had proof that he liked you back? Two whole sources that I'd be pretty dumb not to rely on? They were trustworthy, I'm trustworthy — You've got to trust me, just a little on this. Please?"

Jeno automatically went to nod, but found he couldn't carry out the action, as there was another forehead pressed against his. And he felt calm. His breathing evened, against all odds. "Yeah," he whispered, closing his eyes. "I trust you."

"You can do this Jeno, you know why?" Jeno's senses sharpened as he waited, breathing, listening. "You can do this because I believe in you. And that's the best you're gonna get out of me. You're the shit, Jeno. You're the fucking best. You're worth the world and more. You're worth having Renjun." And more. "Just believe it, like I do."

Jaemin pulled back and laughed, his voice slightly hoarse. "That was cheesy." Jeno smiled and nodded, unable to control the blush that came as an after-effect of the intimacy. He felt better, even good now, and in the same way, felt even worse. Because he knew now... he knew he'd never be complete without Jaemin. But now he accepted it, wholly, with full force — because Jaemin was worth the admission. I like you, Jaemin. 

I might even love you. 

Jeno looked up at the car roof, seriously contemplating what to do with himself now. "And now, you go," said Jaemin amiably, all seriousness from his voice gone, eyes flicking from his steering wheel to his gearstick to his shoes, where they lingered. Jeno could almost sense a blanket muffling his real tone.

Jeno swallowed, clutching the fabric of his trousers for a second.

Neither of them saw Renjun stumble out of the cafe, eyes full of tears. Neither saw his hands zipping up his hoodie, or how he turned on his heels, vision foggy, and walked away as fast as he could. 

The window seat was empty when Jeno got there. 

Jeno took his chair in the cafe as per usual, adjacent to the door, opposite the softer seat. 

Renjun slid down the brick wall of a building in the next street, his breathing not enough to support the thoughts running through his mind. 

Jaemin drove away, blinking furiously so that he wouldn't get into a car accident. 

Pulled apart by their own hands. 

***

lmao that went well