three is the perfect number || jaenoren (norenmin)

dix-huit

Jaemin helped Dongmin into bed at 7 PM, the latter looking drained and melancholy after explaining the fight he and Bin had broken into, and crying about it a fair amount too. They tried watching Johnny English to cheer him up, Jaemin constantly bringing him Ben and Jerry's, but he was still upset in the end. Jaemin felt sorry for him, but surmised he couldn't help his brother with this particular issue. He had let Dongmin pour out whatever was clogged up inside him, but that was all he could really do other than try to comfort him. 

Jaemin himself was tired too, and walking out if Dongmin's room turned on his phone just to check whether anyone had texted him anything majorly important before he would eat dinner and go to bed. But as soon as his phone lit up it vibrated multiple times and a hundred messages from Donghyuck displayed themselves on the screen. Jaemin read through them tiredly, then wondered why he hadn't told Donghyuck about the kiss in the first place. He knew he had been upset and embarrassed, but Donghyuck might have made him feel better. He pondered this as he explained (in minimum detail) and apologised to Donghyuck about it. He sent Donghyuck the picture of him in the clothes he had picked out as an afterthought, then closed his phone and went to get ready for bed. 

He had eaten some ramen and settled into his covers with a book. He had just started reading the first page of a new chapter, when his phone vibrated again. His book flopped into his chest as he rolled his eyes, wondering why the world hated him. "I swear to god, if it's Donghyuck I'm leaving him on read," he grumbled, closing over the book regrettably reaching over for the device. 

 It was... Renjun? Jaemin's eyebrows furrowed as he tapped the notification. His eyes skidded across the words on the screen almost feverishly.

injunnie: jaemin? i'm so sorry you couldn't come :(( i would have texted you earlier but i had piano and hdsfshkjdal im gonna rant hold up |

injunnie: i hope your brother's feeling better, i heard smth bad happened from jeno, send him my best wishes [ <33 ] |

injunnie: we had a great time at the cinema :) |

injunnie: it would have been even better if you were there tho :( please come next time |

 injunnie: i missed you |

injunnie: we missed you!! please come next time |

A lump formed in Jaemin's throat. Renjun was so fucking sweet, he was getting the shivers. He dropped his head and held his phone to his chest, like he'd be able to give Renjun a hug through the camera. Next time, he'd said. There would totally be a next time.

The longing hit Jaemin like a truck loaded with lead and dynamite. These days, even seeing those two together hurt. It gave him a thrill first, but afterwards, there was just a dull ache, like he'd missed a train and had already accepted it, but couldn't move on. Why did this feel like the last ride? Why did he hate himself so much? 

No — it wasn't that he hated himself. He sighed and dropped his phone onto the bedside table, nearly knocking over his alarm clock. He winced; he had school tomorrow. 

It wasn't that he hated himself — he just wanted to love and be loved. He wanted to receive the affection and desire that he was emitting, or it would dry him up and leave him parched. Seeing those two so happy together, without him, not even requiring him, felt like a knife slowly twisting a spiral into his abdomen. 

Just love me, he thought selfishly. Why am I so repulsive?

He didn't want the two people he cared about the most to take his self-esteem from him. It was the last thing he wanted. But he had gone to new heights to try and help Jeno get over his crush, while disregarding his own. He had put Renjun's feelings above anything and everything, just to make sure that no one got hurt. 

But someone was being hurt. 

Me, he pleaded. Why can't I be selfish? 

You were selfish once, his mind replied, and suddenly he remembered the feel of Jeno's lips on his, and his hand around his waist, holding him like this is it, you're the one I want. But those lips were ripped away, and kissing Jaemin had brought Jeno so much pain that he'd started crying, emotions overflowing, like Jaemin brought too much to the mix. 

Renjun and Jeno's relationship was like a cup that couldn't overflow, and they had filled it to the brim with their own love and memories. If Jaemin tried to slot himself in, it would only spill over the sides. 

When Jaemin woke the next morning, his eyes were sore from crying.