Eat

Oh god.

This story may trigger some people. Please be warned. This is a trigger warning!

"Hey Ellen!" Shonda said when she spotted her lead actress.

"Hey Shonda, what's up?" She says while standing up, feeling dizzy when doing so. Pfft slower next time.

"It's almost time for your scene, but like, are you okay? One of the make - up artist saw some scars." She shakes her head and nods.

"I'm fine Shonda. Those are from the past so, nothing to worry about." She says while looking down a bit.

"She said they looked fresh, some healings ones.."

"I uh.. had a down time.. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry okay..? Just try not to.. It's hard to cover and we need our top actress with us.. If something is going on, talk to someone please.. Also, there's some rumours going on at the moment.. Can you knock some sense into the paparazzi for us please?"

"Sure what is it?" I already knew exactly about what it was.

"These idiots think you have an eating disorder.. Due to your weight." I take a deep breath and nod.

"Okay I will.. I have to go now.. see you later.." I slowly walk away to the trailer and straight in my bedroom. I slowly strip down all my clothes and look in the mirror. Bones.. not enough bones. I do my wrist and leg check. Not good enough.. more.

Before I realised, Patrick walks in the bedroom. "Oh god Ellie!" He says while quickly looking away.

"Fuck Patrick!" I quickly grab my robe and put it on. "Can't you knock??"

"I couldn't find you anywhere.. we have a scene to shoot.." he says while his back faces me.

"Really?! Oh shoot. Out my room please I need to change." He nods and walks out. I quickly dress up and walk out to see him leaning against the counter. He looks so damn handsome, his shirt so tight against his chest. But why am I even dreaming. I'm a fat and messy woman. He even has a wife.. and I have a fiancé. Why am I even thinking about him. Crap he's staring.

"You okay Ellen? You look a bit pale.." He says as he touching my forehead.

"Yeah I'm okay.." I nod and lean against his hand.

"You know, your birthday is in 10 days.. I'd like to celebrate and go to dinner with you." Oh fuck.

"Uh.. I.. uh.. sorry I can't.. Chris doesn't like that.. when I hang out with other men."

"Ellen.. you shouldn't let him stop you from hanging out with others.. Why don't we invite him and Jillian too maybe.."

"Uh yeah sure.. I guess.. Let's go to the set.." He nods and walks out with me.

This season Meredith and Derek are spilt, I hate it tho. I miss his lips against m-. Ugh I have to stop thinking about his lips..

After they shot our needed scenes, he pulls me aside. "Ellen, when are you available for that dinner?" He holds my arm and frowns. "Ellie are you okay..? I've.. noticed you lost a lot of weight.. Since the previous season.."

"I'm fine.. I just had a bit of stress in the break. It's okay." I say with a smile, but even he knew it was a fake one.

"Okay.. Lets get you to the trailer alright..? I'm going to get some coffee if you want to." I look at him.

"With no sugar and milk alright.." He frowns and sighs.

"Yes.. with no sugar or milk.."

He nods and we walk to the trailer. Okay.. control yourself. Just coffee.. Nothing more. Alright I can do this. Coffee is only 2 cals.. And I ate a banana.. 48.. okay yeah I have to walk 15 minutes after this and it's all gone. Okay.

"Ellen.. can you open the door?" He looks at me and rubs my arm softly. I like it. But it hurts. It hurts because I'm fat.

I nod and open the door, letting him pass me. I follow and sit down. "Ellen.. now we are alone.. can we talk..?" He says while making coffee.

"About..?" I tuck my knees to my chest, seeing that my thigh gap only grew a bit bigger. Okay that makes me cry. I work hard for the damn thigh gap and then it only moves a fucking Millimeter. That's some bullshit.

"You.." He hands me the coffee and sits next to me. "You are lying about how you are.. You aren't fine. I see that. The set staff sees it, the cast sees it. Tell me what's going on.."

"I'm fine Patrick, I'm just nervous okay. I'm getting.. uh.. results back soon from a blood test and yeah.. I guess I'm just acting weird because of that.." He doesn't believe it, it's so clear.

"And what about your wrists.. You made.. cu- yeah.. lines.." I don't want to look at him, I just look at my feet. How did he even see? They're under my watch.

"I had.. I.." I sigh a bit. "There was a rabbit in the garden. He was huge and I tried to move him but it scratched me." He nods softly.

"Okay.. But please Ellen.. Tell me if something is wrong.. Okay..? It hurts me to see you so.. different.. You are my friend. You were always so cheery and happy and suddenly.. suddenly you fell down and lost the way you are. Look.. Ellen.. I care a lot about you and it hurts me so much to see you like this.. Please.. Just try to get out of it.. I would love to help.. I would. If that makes you better.." He takes my hands and squeezes them.

"I.." I sigh again. Don't trust. I can't.. he's my best friend. Push him away. You don't need him. You need no one. You are fine on your own. He's going to make you eat. You'll get fat. Don't you want that skinny body. Push him away. Make that he's out of here. You are right..

"Patrick, can you stop?! I said I was fine! Stop minding my business!" I stand up fast. "Fucking go! Leave me alone I'm fine!" Yep. There's the dizziness again.

"Wow.. Ellen sorry I didn't mean it bad.." Oh yes he does.. then put a feeding tube in you and done. You are fat again.

"GET OUT!" I push him to the door and open it for him. "Out!! Now!"

He turns around for a second. He looks hurt, but I don't care. They're right. He'll make me fat. Then he turns again, walking away confused.

——
I wrote this story due the picture. I saw that picture and knew what to write. Eating disorders are dangerous. I'm not an expert in writing, but if you have one, please seek help. It's not a way to say you are sick in the head, I'm just saying that it's better that you get help.

Instead of pushing people away and getting dark voices. The struggle and the damage your body gets. Your body starts to hurt. When someone touches you it hurts. Please for the love of god. Don't start it. Seek help. Search up what happens when you get one. It's ruining your life, and sometimes you don't realise it until it's too late.