Back to me

Nerves

A month passed, and Christmas came, bringing along a harsh winter to Litchfield. Flaca was now working in a new Play with Piper, an interpretation of an alternative snow white version they found at the library. Maritza was still Gloria's sidekick at the kitchen but would eventually sneak out to watch her girlfriend work. But that was not happening today. Today she was pacing back and forth with excitement because of the event they'll have tomorrow. Since it was Christmas eve, their families would be allowed to come for a special day with the inmates. That meant that juliana would come, and maritza could barely wait to see her little girl's face. She must have changed so much since she last saw her, more than eight months ago. When they first heard the news, flaca and maritza went crazy about it, both filled with happiness. But now, a day before they get to see the people they care so deeply about, flaca has a different perspective of the situation. You see, when she first found out about this, her thoughts went immediately to her mom, wishing she was better and her health was ok. She still wanted to see her, it's been too long since they last saw eachother, at mother's day, but she was now realizing she had a bigger problem. Actually, it was a smaller problem in size and a bigger problem in general. She had spent all this time being nothing but extremely happy with her relationship with maritza that she forgot about the most important detail in their situation: Juliana. Even though maritza and her have known each other for a while now, she had never met the little girl, only through photographs maritza showed her. She knows she should have thought about it sooner, but the anesthetic feeling she felt whenever she was around her girlfriend always took over her body, making her lose her train of thought. But now there was no running anymore, she would have to meet the little Latina tomorrow, at that terrifies her. She would be cool about it if it was any other kid, the kids always loved her, but this was her girlfriend's kid. The only kid in the entire universe that could make maritza leave her. She knows that if, for some reason, juliana hates her or decides she is not good for her mom, she would lose maritza forever. And that thought brought panic to her system. Making people like you is always complicated, when it's with a child it's even worse, because a child will not think twice before making mean comments or being too honest. If in one of these moments juliana decides to say that flaca scares her or that she was mean to her (it could happen, when flaca gets nervous she could say whatever), they are over. She tried to keep her cool around Mari, but she's not sure the other girl would even notice her nerves when she was trying to soothe her own. Since she met maritza, the girl had this fear about juliana not acknowledging her as her mother, and those thoughts took over her everytime she saw the kid with her sister, even after juliana herself said to her she would always be her mami. Flaca suspected that, in her mind, someday when juliana is grown, she will resent her for not being there while she was growing up. Which is nonsense, that girl worshiped her mom, maritza was her idol and nothing would change that. But flaca also understood maritza's side, she was a single mom and she could not be there for her little girl while in prison, it was normal of her to worry about their relationship later.

Gloria paid attention to her girls, she always have. And lately she was noticing both of them very nervous and distant. Being the great mom she is, she decided to make sure they were ok, and reached for flaca.

- hi, mi hija. How's everything ? - flaca was seating on her girlfriend's bed, looking at the ceiling with a blank face. Gloria's voice took her out of her thoughts and she almost cracked her head open when she hit it in the top bunk - oh, I'm sorry if I scared you. I just wanted to make sure you're okay.

- it's ok. I was just a little distracted. And yeah, everything is fine - she knew she was not fooling the older woman, and it was confirmed the moment she recieved the "tell me or I'll find out " look from her.

- is that right? -there was no point in hiding how she felt, and gloria was the best person to tell that to. So she just started word vomiting.

- No, it's not. Everything is crazy lately. At first I was so excited because, you know, I'd see my mom and shit, but after the thrilling sensation passed I realized juliana is going to be there as well. And gloria, I'm so scared. I never met her, and I'm almost sure her aunt hasn't told her about me and her mom. What if she hates me? What if, in a moment of distraction I say something stupid and she thinks I'm boring? I can't be her "Regina"! I can't let my girl's child hate me and think I'm the cause of all evil on earth. I can't lose her. I just can't - Gloria's heart broke at the sight of the woman in front of her. Flaca was down, like really down. She had never seen her daughter like that. Her motherly instincts were taking over by now.

- oh, mi hija. Don't do that to yourself. You're incredible with kids. Don't you remember how much my kids love you? Everytime they come visit me they ask about you. Every single one of them. And you know why? - flaca shook her head - because they know you're important to me, and they know that having you here makes this shitty place better. So you don't think juliana is going to hate you, if she's anything like her mami, she would love you so much she's never letting you go.

* first of all, IM REALLY SORRY IT TOOK ME TOO LONG.

** I was having some trouble at college and was having no time to write. Now things are a little bit easier.

***please comment so I can know what you're thinking.