After You

Chapter - Thirty-eight - Unwritten

"Your roots seem to be firmly north of the river, but who says you can't branch out into something else?
Take a risk. Jump, and I'll catch you if you fall."
- Jude

After Jude's promise of showing me how much I meant to him in three weeks' time, I patiently went about my working week; busy with a flurry of festive weddings and Christmas galas. I never worked so many weekday nights as in the immediate run-up to Christmas. I felt as though Jude and I barely saw each other, but it wasn't really true, because he'd stop by most lunchtimes with something healthy and filling for me to eat. He'd have lunch with me - camera bag on the floor at his feet - apparently just passing through on his way to some new shoot location. I didn't believe him, though, and he knew it. He was clearly taking care of me; making sure I didn't "forget" to eat.

Stress is something I've struggled with ever since your death, and a hectic work schedule, a newly-engaged friend, and another lately pregnant, was more stress than I'd had to deal with since I'd first slept with Jude. That stress manifested itself in picky eating habits and occasionally - if I was on my own - eschewing food altogether. But this time round (unlike those first months of horrendous, suffocating grief), I wasn't alone.

Jude was there to encourage me and tempt my appetite. To remind me that no matter how tired I was, how harassed or vulnerable I was feeling - at work, or in my personal life - he was on my side. When I'd had a bad day in the office, he made me forget it. When I had moments of private jealousy and longing, he made me the centre of his attention, so that even if I doubted myself, I couldn't in any way about us. I loved him for it, so I did the only thing I could to show him how much it meant to me. I sucked it up and agreed to spend Christmas at Serena's house - Jude's former family home.

It wasn't as awkward as I'd feared it would be; namely because the week before Christmas, Finn had finally decided that I was "kind of alright". Finn's school had finished early because of a terrifying avalanche of snow, (the staff at Dylan's high school hadn't deemed the flurry threatening enough to close early, I was interested to note) and Serena had been in the middle of a complicated dye job at her salon. Jude was off somewhere in Wembley, and had no way of getting to school in time to collect his son.

He'd called me - wincing in apology - and asked if I'd mind collecting Finn from school, and taking him back to mine for an hour or two. Naturally, I'd agreed, because I envisaged having to be home alone with the boys occasionally once Jude and I moved in together, so he called the school, warned them to expect me, and I collected a surly-faced ten year old from the school gates.

'Hi,' I said, forgetting not to wave at him.

'Hey.'

'Your dad asked me to pick you up. Your mum's working and he's stuck in Wembley. We're heading back to my place for a bit. I think Dylan and your dad are going to come and meet us once school's finished.'

'Alright.' He was unimpressed to say the least. But thankfully, I had a nice flat. 'This is cool,' the boy mused, with no enthusiasm whatsoever. 'Better than Dad's place.'

'Isn't everywhere?' I quipped beneath my breath.

'Is that a PS4?' the boy gasped, looking at the TV cabinet and the collection of consoles housed within it.

'Yeah. It was my husband's.'

'Can I look?' Finn asked, almost wetting himself with excitement.

'Sure,' I told him, pleased that he'd been able to crack a smile in my home. It turns out you have excellent taste in gaming. Finn approved of your extensive collection of games - even the ones which he was clearly too young for. He was blown away when he opened the cabinet door, only to find an Xbox and a Wii.