After You

Chapter Twenty-five - Re: Stacks

"I always knew we were a gamble. I wouldn't have played if I wasn't prepared to fold when dealt a bad hand.
Now the stakes are rising but you keep your cards close to your chest.
Will you call my bluff?"
- Jude

I'd worked myself up into a bit of a state by the time my evening class started. What did Jude want to talk about? And why hadn't he sounded convinced that we'd sort things out? I was twitchy, stressed, and incapable of concentrating on anything. I'd been useless at work all day, and I was no better once shut up in a classroom with Jude. His proximity didn't soothe me. All it did was heighten the insidious feeling that we were living on borrowed time. My photographs were terrible, I barely listened to a word Jude told us, and I was lousy company when I went to the pub for drinks with my classmates afterwards. By the time my phone vibrated in my pocket - the familiar signal to let me know that Jude was waiting outside the pub for me - I honestly couldn't quite determine if I was glad that the talk was about to happen or not. I thought I might have preferred to live in ignorant bliss.

'Hey,' I said, slipping out of the noisy pub and into the twilight of a spring evening.

'Hi,' Jude smiled, his jaw tense. 'Shall we head down the road; there's a late-night coffee shop. It'll be quieter.'

'Oh,' I uttered, looking startled. 'We're not going back to yours?' The alarm bells began to ring in my ears.

'I thought we could have a chat, Meredith.' I think he sensed my disappointment - my affront - because he softened his expression, and added in slightly teasing tones, 'You know we'd just end up in bed together if you come back to mine. We need to have a proper talk.'

'Okay,' I nodded, letting him lead me along the busy road. 'How was the advanced class?' I asked, struggling to make small talk. What we were doing - the way we were interacting - just felt awkward and unnatural.

'Fine,' Jude said, taciturn.

'And the boys? They're looking forward to half term?'

'Of course. Who likes school?' I frowned.

'I bet you did, didn't you?' He seemed the studious type. For the first time since our argument, Jude's eyes shone with something akin to happiness.

'I did, but I think mostly because it was a chance to see my friends. I don't think I had a crush on Pythagoras or anything like that.'

'I had a massive crush on my geography teacher. Happiness was simply passing him in the corridor. I loved school. Totally pervy, of course, because if he'd so much as noticed that I had a vagina, I'd have freaked right out.' I shook my head at my own childish stupidity before glancing up at Jude, to find him smiling down on me. I breathed a sigh of relief. This feels more normal, I told myself, hoping that Jude's behaviour was simply due to nerves, and not a signifier of our relationship's impending demise.

'Here we go,' Jude said, holding the door to the coffee shop for me. I stepped inside, spying two comfy-looking armchairs tucked away in the corner. 'I'll get us some coffee,' Jude said, handing me his camera bag so that he didn't have to hold it whilst standing in the queue. It was such a coupley thing to do; no verbal request, just an out-held bag and the expectation that I would understand and acquiesce. I smiled and made for the cosy corner of the shop; shunned, because it didn't afford a view of the street, nor the wall-mounted TV, which - bizarrely - seemed to be playing Boy in Striped Pyjamas.

'Odd film to have on,' I said, as Jude set down our drinks. 'This film makes me cry no end.'

'It's probably live TV,' was all he said, not feeling particularly chatty. He sat opposite me and let out a low sigh. This was it; crunch time.